Let us be fair

While I watch my child go through the motions of JK - Getting sick every 10 days, learning the different capital and lower case letters, numbers, reading, colours, friendship; I wonder if it was a good thing to send her to French school as my first thought was; "This will be an advantage for her".

The more I "move" in this world, the more I am feeling how much of a DISadvantage being bilingual in this country truly is.

First, you get hired for jobs because you can do both languages. You figure, I will be paid more. I will be valued more...wait...shouldn't everyone in this place be bilingual? At least the Canadian Manager who holds an MBA? Uhm...at least the manager under? No? The one under there? Ok, ok how about the lowly employees who deal with clients? No? Hmm...uhm...the finance department? No?

In the last 4 places where I have been, I have been correcting documents that were translated by a "professional" translator. I have been writing letters and documents in French since my "Higher ups" aren't able to do so. Most didn't know a word to be honest and the ones that did/do can't write the language to save their life.

On top of doing the required work that all the other little minions must do, I am forced to answer to one of them howling "FRENCH CALL!!" because they can't speak a word. "Can you please translate this right now?" because...no one else can. "Can you please write this email for me?" because...the person in charge of this project has no idea what Oui means.

We send out letters, in English too might I add, filled with grammar, spelling and conjugation errors. Yet we want to be "The leading company in the world for our industry". How can a company be taken seriously if their own literature and sales pitch documents are filled with the errors that I spoke of. If the technical support is not offered in French?

We are all supposed to "Be on the same level of knowledge" however...well if more than half the people don't speak French...technically, I have to learn more. Yet...getting the manuals in French so that I may have to correct terms is like pulling teeth. If I want to take a vacation day (Which I will talk about later) I can't take what I want because if another bilingual person is off...well that causes a problem.

But we are all equal.

I work for a "Family First" company. However, my daughter has been sick I would say since...Late October. Every 10 days. Never fails. Her immune system is shot however...we have to just "Let it run it's course".

The head of the company here went to my manager to complain about my...situation. I was asked to find a "Solution". That I could not be missing so much work.

Because of course, I miss work just for the fuck of it.

So. With no mommy or daddy to come save me like most people, no real friends either, when my kid is sick, I have to ship her off to a stranger and come to work because...I have to find a solution. Short from winning the lottery or becoming a Dr. myself...that's pretty much what I have left.

I don't sleep. I would rather not eat. I can't keep up at home with the chores. "But you only have 1 child".

I am tired. I am drained but...I can't complain. "Friends" are all "Oh talk to me, I'm always here. OMG THIS is going on with me and you need to help me lalalala" Thanks for the ear there buddy.

I live in constant stress over when my child will be sick next. Then...the same people who gave me the "warning" about missing work laugh and tell me that I "Worry too much" that kids go through this and it's life.

Nothing I feel or live through is valid. Nothing.

But I have to be quiet and politically correct since I refuse to ever, ever kiss ass or suck dick. It is not in me. It just isn't.

I work in an environment where, if you get screamed at in front of everyone, you are to say nothing because a Manager is the one doing it. Where, regional managers speak to their own managers like they are dogs but...it's how they are and it's accepted. And sales and home furnishings discussions take precedence over an unhappy client requesting help.

I digress...

By asking my daughter to learn both languages, am I setting her up for a huge disadvantage?

Am I??

PA Days

I wish that they could last for a week. T has been so sick the past 2 months, she seems to be finally on a good stretch and I dread sending her back to school tomorrow. The stomach flu and cold are running rampant. It's quite hard to explain to a 4 year old why they must not stick their little fingers anywhere. She tries very hard but she is...well she is 4.

She is sitting here quietly in her little "Tink" top, leggings and legwarmers. I know that tomorrow, she will already be 20 and not needing me as much. The thought makes me feel ill. Though I look forward to seeing her grow into a woman, I love having her little and dependent. Seems like yesterday, she was 10 minutes old.

I fear growing old. I fear death even more. But those thoughts need to be kept at bay.

My mother is moving 5 hours away next week and though I have said nothing because I want to support her and make this easy, I am feeling the sadness in my heart creep in. I will miss having her close. It will be especially hard on T. They share such a special bond. A deep connection...

For now, I am enjoying our girlie day together. Trying not to let melancholy set in. I always have to wonder if it's mental illness or reality of life that give me these feelings...the one feeling I never want to lose, is the one of complete peace when I hold my Princess in my arms. Perfection.

Mommy Catch 22

As a working mother, there are times where I think to myself; "My God can I just have ONE hour of time to myself with no one to think about?" I doubt that I am the only one in this situation. Longing for the ability to go pee without a cute faced toddler saying "Mamaaaaaaaa are you doneeeee" as you see the bathroom door handle being rocked back and forth slowly, little fingers on the other side gripping it in anticipation.

My daughter has been gone for less than 48 hours to visit with her Mamie and Papi (with her father) and I am climbing the walls not knowing what to do with myself.

My mind is even more swept up in thoughts and worries, hoping that they are feeding her well, that she is enjoying herself, that she is sleeping adequately. Because we all know that grandparents have no idea how to take care of children... ::.Smirk::

So while I should be relaxing and taking time to myself, I am antsy and counting the days until I make my departure to meet up with my gorgeous angel...

A mom's work/happiness is never done is it ;)

2010

Sometimes, I forget that I have a blog. Or I post and don't share. Depends on my mood ;)

This year has certainly been interesting. Bad? Good? Neutral? I haven't decided yet.

I do know that I am very blessed. Especially where my daughter is concerned. She's blossomed into such a delicious little lady. She's only 4, and I tend to forget that at times, but she has the soul of an old sage woman, with eyes that pierce the soul and a touch that soothes the spirit. My gorgeous reason. I don't deserve her. But I certainly adore her.

Letting her go, sending her off to junior K was very hard for me. And unfortunately, she has been quite sick which has been said to be "normal" though always unnerving for a Maman.

I think that part of the depression I went through (There, I've said it.) this fall was the fear of letting her go. I never, ever thought that I would be like this. Not with a child, not with anyone. The thought of any harm coming to her, any loneliness...physically makes me sick. At times, I think that I have gone mad. That no other mother can be this ridiculous. But. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by other mothers who know that this madness is quite...normal.

I've made a few connections which have become rather precious to me. M being one of them. He is a true cheerleader and is someone who tends to know just how to sift through the dark corners of my mind. Never judging, usually more than aware of how it "Feels" and always, always caring. I love him dearly and I look forward to helping him on his quest for his new series tackling mental illness as well as his book. It's become rather amusing to watch him on tv and knowing what was going through his mind during the show and touching at times as well, when I've known he was struggling and no one else did because he had let me in and shared his deepest thoughts at that time. Something that I appreciate immensely.

I've learned that you can buy a brand new vehicle, an automatic no less, and blow the tranny within 20 days of purchase. And they all thought I'd kill the ones on the manuals. So there.

I am dreading the next month as my mother starts her own journey far from here. Though I will never tell her this as her guilt is consuming enough, I will have a hard time knowing that she is so far. But in the end, her happiness is all that I want. We can visit.

I've let myself come out from under my mask(s) somewhat yet still feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. I am still working on finding my way and learning not to self loathe as I would despise myself for passing this trait on to T. She is so blissful...I never want her to have the feelings that I have for myself.

This coming year...I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't believe in resolutions. They only add pressure. I want to make a difference. The most that I can.

3 1/2

It is March and there are 5 months left until T starts school. She won't even be 4 by the time she goes in. A month she but still...the thought of it brings extreme nausea to me, thoughts/images of her trying to run to keep up with the others, falling on asphalt, being pushed down stairs, bullied. My fuck. Grammar school was such hell for me. I know that it sounds petty, but at least T is beautiful. Unlike I was-am.

Who will help her eat her lunch, go to the washroom, pick her up when she falls. If we wait another year, it will only prolong the process and she will be late compared to the others. She is already dying to be challenged, another year at daycare...not so good.

I never thought I'd be such a freaking wuss ::.Sigh:: I can't keep her in a bubble forever. Or can I?? Why am I this crazy when it comes to her??

"Famous"

Ah I am back to playing on Twitter and I've gotten bored already. These "Stars" can't be bothered with their fans. They rarely tweet back to them. I can just imagine the response if the account tweeting them said Celine Dion or something. (Shut up, I'm Canadian and she can SING Hah!!)

And now...I'm bored with Twitter.

I have another guilty little pleasure that I will not keep a secret. Justin Bieber. Yep. Little angel voice/face that is reserved for screaming tweens who all believe that they will someday make a connection with him and have songs written about and for them. His voice has yet to change and I am curious as to what will come of him when it happens however, my perfect pitch has yet to flinch when I hear him live. That, never goes away. Unless he becomes deaf but I digress. He is young. Very young. And one of Diddy's babies. That alone scares me. I have seen the ugly of this business. That is apart from the drugs, alcohol, addictions and all the rest of the shit that comes with. The exhaustion, loss of self respect and self love...self awareness. Such talented people have been destroyed by the need of greatness. MJ adored his fans and they worshipped him...but the business killed him. And he was brilliant.

Oh my fuck...watching the new We are the world...They put MJ in and Wyclef is singing Creole. Delish Delish Delish!! Forgive me...I have completely lost my train of thought.

Anyway...this is a great opportunity for the US to realize that we actually exist. It was nice to see them speak of how we were the first to storm the beaches of Normandy, that we were the first in WWI, II and pretty much every war that has plagued our kind since colonization here. That we have electricity and not only communicate by smoke signs and drawings in the snow-Snow that is non existent this year...

This new year has started out with quite a few challenges. T finally got over an ear infection and Scarlet Fever (I thought that illness had died out in the 40's-That's my girl, get whatever disease that no one gets) last week and...her nose is runny yet again. Her adaptation to daycare has gone much better than I had anticipated and we have enrolled her in school even though the thought of leaving her alone to fend for herself out there makes me want to throw up.

Work has started and I must say, I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me.

My cello has been screaming at me from it's current position in it's case and I feel the urge to play more each day. Even the piano has been somewhat dusted. The darkness that was suffocating me seems to be less opaque. I pray that it keeps going this way.

Now, back to the opening ceremonies, my fireplace and some hopefully awing moments.

More later.

Respect

Rush Limbaugh went on the record to insinuate that President Obama had Caused the Haiti earthquake for his own benefit...People like that deny 9/11 was an act of it's own government, apparently, a president can now cause natural disasters. When President Kennedy was elected, a husband and wife in HI lost their election. When he visited HI shortly before his death, this same couple stood for hours to salute the President as it was an honour for them to do so. When he was killed, they wept. What happened to that type of Patriotism and respect? I hope Limbaugh chokes on the next pills he wolfs down. Idiot.

Whether or not you support the leader that was elected, I still believe that you should show him/her respect. CNN anchors call the President, Mr. Obama...excuse me, you still call Nixon, Former President. What a ridiculous and backwards way of thinking (Back to Limbaugh) He was one of the obsessed over President Clinton's "Scandal" and was pleading for him impeachment over some "Stain" on a stupid Gap dress.

Who cares!! He was running the country better than most who have been in his position. Lord knows if Chrétien had been caught for having sex, Canada would have cheered him...and felt bad for the chick he was doing as well...he is not so attractive. Either way, no one would have cared.

What happened to the "Patriotism" that keeps being shoved in everyone's faces all the time? Really. If you don't like your President, fine, but seriously, don't be a dick and make ridiculous statements such as the ones Limbaugh made. Or is respect something that you have to buy now too?