I've endured all types of pain since I was a child.
Physical was never an issue as I grew cold and insensitive to it very quickly, not by choice.
But today, for the first time in...I can't remember really, I seriously thought that I would die. Or throw up which equals death for me. Emetophobia yes. Phobia #3 in most common phobias.
Anyway. Death scares me. Scares the shit out of me. Is it because it is something that I have no control over? That is for another therapy session.
I can't believe in nothingness. I don't want to. When I was a child, I would make myself sick trying to "pretend that I do not exist". So I take the pain instead. And some Tylenol 3 that are kicking my ass to no end.
Yesterday, a man started to tell me how much God loves me. How important I am to the world. That I am worth something. Everything. And I wept. Because I feel none of it. Maybe I fear it. I wish I could make it all tangible. Maybe then, I would understand or believe it.
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There is alot more that I am not saying in this post because I am not coherent enough at the moment. I refuse to pity myself therefore, this is not what I am doing. I just wonder about so many things...I'd love a sign. But then...I don't deserve one more than any other.
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