So I am reading all about Tiger's "Transgressions" today, heard the supposed message he left his chick asking her to remove her name on her voicemail because his wife had checked his phone. Then I was reading comments that people were leaving and many were saying that it was always the woman's fault for having a man cheat on them.
Isn't this beautiful? How society views this type of issue? Isn't it a wonderful message to send young girls? That whatever you do, no matter how skinny, how beautiful, sweet and educated you are, you are never enough because the penis takes precedence over all.
Of course I am biased. I was fucked over. Of course it stirs up all kinds of emotions in me that I'm not over to this day. Of course I'd love to bash someone's head in. But that won't change anything will it.
I'm not sure if I am able to get over S's affair. I'm not sure that I can ever trust anyone again since he was the only person I'd ever trusted. It made me very sad last week when we had our blow out and I told him that I was very sensitive because I am in depression and his response was; "What do you mean depression?" What did I mean? I mean the depression that my Dr. diagnosed 2 months ago and sent me to a shrink for. Then he asked what I was depressed about...which made me angrier. I yelled at him that I was depressed about him fucking someone else. And that I was angry because he couldn't tell me why the hell he'd done it. And still, he couldn't give me an answer.
"Don't look for a reason" people have said. Sorry, that hasn't worked. I don't think that anything ever will. I told him that maybe when I cheat on him he will get it. But, I don't want to have any type of sex with anyone. At all. Any thought or fantasy I might have had about it is dead. Has been for a year. Is this what I am to live with forever?
I promised to stay until T was old enough to care for herself in hopes that things would fix themselves with both of us working on our marriage. Maybe that can still happen....I don't know.
Right now, I just don't know. I love him. I always will. But I hate him at the same time. Which is even more horrible.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh, how I wish I could help. You don't know how it pains me to know what has happened to you. Both. I have lost sleep over it...how far we've come from that rag-tag group of friends....AS much as I hate to admit it, men ARE ruled by the penis, and unfortunately as women, our plight is to take care of our men's sexual needs with as much care as we want them to take care of our emotional needs. It is the great divide. As much as we would like them to be governed by thier sense of loyalty, love and emotional availability...it's just not gonna happen my friend.
ReplyDeleteI totally get the not wanting sex thing...I've been there...(direct side effect of depression methinks!) But one day I just decided to give it a go, on a regular basis. And what happened? Communication gets better, mariage gets stronger new bonds begin, you find that person you once connected with on that primal level.
I am not by any means telling you that this is what you should do. Your experience has been much different than mine, and you have some hardcore healing to do. This is what worked for me. At some point I relized that he will never think, feel, react like me, for he is MAN. I will always have my inner demons and interior fantasy life that I can't share for he could never understand the complexity of those emotions.
Go with your instincts D, they are good ones. but remember, sometines you just have to decide to jump in.
Love you always
Benn xxx
My beautiful Benn...I've loved you forever exactly for this type of insight. I always secretly wished that I'd had you as a sister. I wouldn't have been nearly as messed up. And you are right, I do need to jump in. The job issue, self image issue and depression aren't helping but I DO know that I have a good man at my side. Which is why I'm still here and why I love him. I adore him. That's not the question. And he is good. I just wish it had been something else. Anything but this. You know? And I'm sorry that you've lost sleep over this. It's not fair to you. But I couldn't go on not telling you. I've never kept anything from you. I love you more than I've ever told you...always. Thank you my Benn.
ReplyDelete