Today started off quietly, running out for some errands with my inlaws and T. We bought S his xmas present (His parents) did some groceries and came home. 10 minutes after we arrived, my sister in law called and asked where my inlaws' car was. "S has it...what do you mean??" and there she was, parked outside of my house! They came to visit as a surprise! I hadn't seen my nephew since his birth 5 months ago. I think we must have looked like an Extreme Makeover family running out of the house, screaming with joy.
We had a wonderful time with them. T and my nephew took to each other quickly which was so nice. Had a delicious dinner, kids put to bed, just S, my mother and father in law and I up, chilling.
I got this message on my msn from the girl who had been babysitting T while Tita is away.
Drama.
Apparently, she had called today-sorry but...we are currently 8 people in the house, I never got the phone call or message and to be quite honest, my head is so filled with my sweet nephew right now that I haven't thought of much else. Ho.Ly.Crap.
I am a horrible person who thinks only of herself, who is selfish and judges others. I am also hurting T by not letting her take her to spend time with her after she said all of these and more vile things to me. I'm sorry, you want to tell me that I'm a self-centered bitch then take my child to hang out with?? Am I crazy?? Should I just say oh heehee no problem, be disrespectful and cruel 2 days in a row and take my child, NO PROBLEM.
After so much of her crap, I said goodbye and blocked her on msn. I am done. You do NOT use my child against me and expect me to say it's all ok.
And now, apparently, it is wrong that I speak about this on my blog. Whatever. Shut up Andi, stop being so self-centered and just forget any of what you're feeling.
It's now a few hours later and S and I had a huge blow out. It was wonderful. Very cool with all these people in the house as well. He doesn't understand why I "Let" shit like this get to me. I tried to explain that I don't do it for leisure since well...it doesn't entertain me much. It just gets to me. It affects me. Especially when my nerves are this raw. I tried to explain that this is part of depression. "What do you mean depression?" Wtf?? Hello, why do you think I'm seeing a shrink and had my meds upped??!! Seriously?? ::.Shakes head:: I don't really have any words actually. If he can't even comprehend that I was diagnosed with depression....then I have no clue where to go from here.
Tonight, I really wanted to grab my shit and go. I don't know where really. Maybe a hotel even. I didn't think of bringing T. I just want out. I want him to deal with everything on his own. Without me. So many things ran through my mind. They still are. Then, I came to a really sad realization (It's ok, I was already crying)
I pictured myself asking him; When was the last time you bought me flowers for no reason or any reason? When was the last time that you stopped and thought, hmmm...Andi would love this....(Dude...I got him a fuckin Slap Chop because he was so obsessed with it, just for the heck of it) when was the last time you cooked a meal just for me that you knew that I love and then I thought...shit...does he even know what my favourite meal is?? I don't even think he does...and it's a horrible thing to think about.
I don't want to see him or talk to him. I just want to be left alone. Yet, I've been so incredibly lonely that it's made me even more anxious. Maybe I should go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't know. I just want things to stop. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want the anxiety to go away and I want this gaping hole in my heart to stop hurting physically.
The most that I want, is to say that I am sorry. For being self-centered and selfish. Because apparently, that's what I am (S did NOT say this so let's not kill him yet). It's so confusing...shrink says "talk, write your feelings but don't keep it in" then I do and I "Shouldn't" let it get to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...
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I am going to be really blunt with you in this reply so get ready.
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, you are not selfish and self centered because you think of what will make you happy and what you need. Whoever told you that or made you feel that way is basically a piece of shit in my book! They need to allow you to be yourself and quit being so selfish themselves.
Secondly, you made some very good points about S with those questions you asked...when was the last time he treated you kindly and lovingly and with understanding? Is he not the one that cheated on you??? He needs to fucking grow up and be a man! He needs to actually listen to you and hear what you have to say. He then also needs to talk to you, really open up and talk without judgement from you or him and let you know how he feels and what he needs.
As far as this bitch that has been standing you up and being late about watching T, she needs to get a clue about life and realize that everything does not revolve around her. She needs to learn to be dependable, reliable, trustworthy, and to keep her word when she says she will do something.
I am glad that you were able to see the family members that you love so much and that everything went well with that. Family is so important and it feels wonderful having family that loves and accepts you.
Keep posting your thoughts and feeling and screw anyone that doesn't like what you have to say. You need to get it out and writing is a great way to do that. Keep posting girlfriend, and don't let those people bring you into their world of disillusions. I love ya girl and wish ya the best!!!
I apologize if my reply was too harsh or blunt. I couldn't contain myself. You deserve so much better treatment than you are receiving. Love ya girl, and I want you to be happy.
ReplyDeleteLynn, I don't know you, but your are completely right. I think Andi will get it, she's a smart girl.
ReplyDeleteAndi, I hope you and T will think about coming up to the parade next Sunday. Let S figure out what he will do. You need a break, T will be entertained with Sil and everyone can go horseback riding! Please come...