2010

I haven't written in some time. The holidays have been crazy.

I have started to feel the way that I did when T was first born and my PPD was kicking in. The weekend is starting and I'm anxious of S going to work on Monday because I will be alone with T and I don't know what to do exactly. It's ridiculous when you think about it because she is 3, I've spent countless days with her. But I don't know...I'm not working, my depression is still very much there and I just feel very nervous most of the time.

T is wonderful but she needs to be busy and entertained. 24/7. Sometimes, I just don't know what more I am supposed to do with her. Tita is not coming back-I'm not entirely devastated-and I've found a place for T for when I do go back to work. Now I just need to actually GET a job.

I was outside tonight wondering; Am I always going to feel like this? Numb, Sad, Tired, Unsure. Is this what my life is meant to be? Will I always be dealing with depression? What MORE am I supposed to be doing? I just want it overwith. I want this chemical shit gone from my brain. I can't change what's made me crazy. I know this. So why can't I just be better?

I don't want another year like 2009. I want to be ok. I want to be good. And on the other hand, I just want to hide in bed for months and never come out.