Hard

This morning, I dropped T off to daycare for the second day in a row. (This, after fighting with her for 15 minutes before leaving the house as she was hysterical and refusing to put on her coat/hat/mittens/boots)

In the car, she was doing better but once we turned the corner, she started again. When I left the babysitter's, I could hear her howling through the door "Mama don't leave me". People are telling me to "Get over it" and that it's not that big a deal. For me it is. I've never had to leave her with a stranger. And she's never done anything like this before. T doesn't have tantrums. She has objections and frustrations, fine, but all out screaming? Never.

I am starting to feel more angry about being dumped by my former job however, I am glad that I am no longer working for someone like my former boss. This is just really shitty. Monday, I start a job that I took out of necessity, less money, a more Jr. role, farther than I had wanted. Apparently, this is a wonderful place (this was said by someone outside of the hiring party and recruiter) so who knows, maybe I will end up liking it. It's just...not how I wanted things to happen. I loathe not having any control over situations.

Tita was an alternative that worked best at the time. The past year however, she seemed to be disinterested, motivated by money only and well, after hearing of her lack of attention for T from another caregiver (T goes to a little play place weekly and the owner approached me about it) and her pushing for me to guarantee her that I would be hired by Jan. 4th, I wasn't really left any choice than to find alternative care for T. Plus, I can't afford Tita anymore. Half my freaking paycheck seemed to be going to her.

I keep expecting the phone to ring to hear T's new caregiver ask me to come pick her up or say that she just can't handle her.

This sucks.