Respect

Rush Limbaugh went on the record to insinuate that President Obama had Caused the Haiti earthquake for his own benefit...People like that deny 9/11 was an act of it's own government, apparently, a president can now cause natural disasters. When President Kennedy was elected, a husband and wife in HI lost their election. When he visited HI shortly before his death, this same couple stood for hours to salute the President as it was an honour for them to do so. When he was killed, they wept. What happened to that type of Patriotism and respect? I hope Limbaugh chokes on the next pills he wolfs down. Idiot.

Whether or not you support the leader that was elected, I still believe that you should show him/her respect. CNN anchors call the President, Mr. Obama...excuse me, you still call Nixon, Former President. What a ridiculous and backwards way of thinking (Back to Limbaugh) He was one of the obsessed over President Clinton's "Scandal" and was pleading for him impeachment over some "Stain" on a stupid Gap dress.

Who cares!! He was running the country better than most who have been in his position. Lord knows if Chrétien had been caught for having sex, Canada would have cheered him...and felt bad for the chick he was doing as well...he is not so attractive. Either way, no one would have cared.

What happened to the "Patriotism" that keeps being shoved in everyone's faces all the time? Really. If you don't like your President, fine, but seriously, don't be a dick and make ridiculous statements such as the ones Limbaugh made. Or is respect something that you have to buy now too?

Hard

This morning, I dropped T off to daycare for the second day in a row. (This, after fighting with her for 15 minutes before leaving the house as she was hysterical and refusing to put on her coat/hat/mittens/boots)

In the car, she was doing better but once we turned the corner, she started again. When I left the babysitter's, I could hear her howling through the door "Mama don't leave me". People are telling me to "Get over it" and that it's not that big a deal. For me it is. I've never had to leave her with a stranger. And she's never done anything like this before. T doesn't have tantrums. She has objections and frustrations, fine, but all out screaming? Never.

I am starting to feel more angry about being dumped by my former job however, I am glad that I am no longer working for someone like my former boss. This is just really shitty. Monday, I start a job that I took out of necessity, less money, a more Jr. role, farther than I had wanted. Apparently, this is a wonderful place (this was said by someone outside of the hiring party and recruiter) so who knows, maybe I will end up liking it. It's just...not how I wanted things to happen. I loathe not having any control over situations.

Tita was an alternative that worked best at the time. The past year however, she seemed to be disinterested, motivated by money only and well, after hearing of her lack of attention for T from another caregiver (T goes to a little play place weekly and the owner approached me about it) and her pushing for me to guarantee her that I would be hired by Jan. 4th, I wasn't really left any choice than to find alternative care for T. Plus, I can't afford Tita anymore. Half my freaking paycheck seemed to be going to her.

I keep expecting the phone to ring to hear T's new caregiver ask me to come pick her up or say that she just can't handle her.

This sucks.

2010

I haven't written in some time. The holidays have been crazy.

I have started to feel the way that I did when T was first born and my PPD was kicking in. The weekend is starting and I'm anxious of S going to work on Monday because I will be alone with T and I don't know what to do exactly. It's ridiculous when you think about it because she is 3, I've spent countless days with her. But I don't know...I'm not working, my depression is still very much there and I just feel very nervous most of the time.

T is wonderful but she needs to be busy and entertained. 24/7. Sometimes, I just don't know what more I am supposed to do with her. Tita is not coming back-I'm not entirely devastated-and I've found a place for T for when I do go back to work. Now I just need to actually GET a job.

I was outside tonight wondering; Am I always going to feel like this? Numb, Sad, Tired, Unsure. Is this what my life is meant to be? Will I always be dealing with depression? What MORE am I supposed to be doing? I just want it overwith. I want this chemical shit gone from my brain. I can't change what's made me crazy. I know this. So why can't I just be better?

I don't want another year like 2009. I want to be ok. I want to be good. And on the other hand, I just want to hide in bed for months and never come out.

Wow

So, I still don't have a job. Ever since Tita has come back from being home with her family, she has barely spoken to me. She came here once and that is pretty much it. I have been trying to be nice and ask how she is doing and I don't really get any answers from her.

Well, today, I got the message "Just let me know when you get your job" and that was it. Pretty cold if you ask me. After 2 years of giving half my fucking pay to this woman and pretty much catering to her every need, this is what I get? Fuck you.

In the end, whether I'm hurt or not doesn't matter. T is the one that suffers. And that, is what makes me the most angry.

Breaking my limit

Talia has been going through this phase...anything I say or ask, I get a big fat NO. No matter how many times I put her in the corner, take things away, she just doesn't give a shit.

Today I gave her a bath after she sprayed herself with febreze just for the fuck of it. I told her to come downstairs to get dressed, she said no. So I said you know what, fine, do whatever the hell you want I am so done with you.

So.

She peed on my bed. For the first time in her life. I am so done. I don't even know what to do. I am so sick of fighting all the fucking time. Yeah yeah, that's what having a kid is about right??

Snow

Today we had our first bit of snow and it was delicious. I only wish we'd had 10 feet of it :)

Still no job but am actively looking. Praying for something good to happen this week. But it's also nice to be able to be at home with Jen visiting from NYC. I only wish that I could have something to look forward to work wise; this way I would be able to actually relax somewhat if that makes sense.

I am exhausted and I don't have a real reason to be. That's what I dislike the most. It makes me feel like a big fat lazy ass. ::.Sigh::

Cheat

So I am reading all about Tiger's "Transgressions" today, heard the supposed message he left his chick asking her to remove her name on her voicemail because his wife had checked his phone. Then I was reading comments that people were leaving and many were saying that it was always the woman's fault for having a man cheat on them.

Isn't this beautiful? How society views this type of issue? Isn't it a wonderful message to send young girls? That whatever you do, no matter how skinny, how beautiful, sweet and educated you are, you are never enough because the penis takes precedence over all.

Of course I am biased. I was fucked over. Of course it stirs up all kinds of emotions in me that I'm not over to this day. Of course I'd love to bash someone's head in. But that won't change anything will it.

I'm not sure if I am able to get over S's affair. I'm not sure that I can ever trust anyone again since he was the only person I'd ever trusted. It made me very sad last week when we had our blow out and I told him that I was very sensitive because I am in depression and his response was; "What do you mean depression?" What did I mean? I mean the depression that my Dr. diagnosed 2 months ago and sent me to a shrink for. Then he asked what I was depressed about...which made me angrier. I yelled at him that I was depressed about him fucking someone else. And that I was angry because he couldn't tell me why the hell he'd done it. And still, he couldn't give me an answer.

"Don't look for a reason" people have said. Sorry, that hasn't worked. I don't think that anything ever will. I told him that maybe when I cheat on him he will get it. But, I don't want to have any type of sex with anyone. At all. Any thought or fantasy I might have had about it is dead. Has been for a year. Is this what I am to live with forever?

I promised to stay until T was old enough to care for herself in hopes that things would fix themselves with both of us working on our marriage. Maybe that can still happen....I don't know.

Right now, I just don't know. I love him. I always will. But I hate him at the same time. Which is even more horrible.