Hard

This morning, I dropped T off to daycare for the second day in a row. (This, after fighting with her for 15 minutes before leaving the house as she was hysterical and refusing to put on her coat/hat/mittens/boots)

In the car, she was doing better but once we turned the corner, she started again. When I left the babysitter's, I could hear her howling through the door "Mama don't leave me". People are telling me to "Get over it" and that it's not that big a deal. For me it is. I've never had to leave her with a stranger. And she's never done anything like this before. T doesn't have tantrums. She has objections and frustrations, fine, but all out screaming? Never.

I am starting to feel more angry about being dumped by my former job however, I am glad that I am no longer working for someone like my former boss. This is just really shitty. Monday, I start a job that I took out of necessity, less money, a more Jr. role, farther than I had wanted. Apparently, this is a wonderful place (this was said by someone outside of the hiring party and recruiter) so who knows, maybe I will end up liking it. It's just...not how I wanted things to happen. I loathe not having any control over situations.

Tita was an alternative that worked best at the time. The past year however, she seemed to be disinterested, motivated by money only and well, after hearing of her lack of attention for T from another caregiver (T goes to a little play place weekly and the owner approached me about it) and her pushing for me to guarantee her that I would be hired by Jan. 4th, I wasn't really left any choice than to find alternative care for T. Plus, I can't afford Tita anymore. Half my freaking paycheck seemed to be going to her.

I keep expecting the phone to ring to hear T's new caregiver ask me to come pick her up or say that she just can't handle her.

This sucks.

2010

I haven't written in some time. The holidays have been crazy.

I have started to feel the way that I did when T was first born and my PPD was kicking in. The weekend is starting and I'm anxious of S going to work on Monday because I will be alone with T and I don't know what to do exactly. It's ridiculous when you think about it because she is 3, I've spent countless days with her. But I don't know...I'm not working, my depression is still very much there and I just feel very nervous most of the time.

T is wonderful but she needs to be busy and entertained. 24/7. Sometimes, I just don't know what more I am supposed to do with her. Tita is not coming back-I'm not entirely devastated-and I've found a place for T for when I do go back to work. Now I just need to actually GET a job.

I was outside tonight wondering; Am I always going to feel like this? Numb, Sad, Tired, Unsure. Is this what my life is meant to be? Will I always be dealing with depression? What MORE am I supposed to be doing? I just want it overwith. I want this chemical shit gone from my brain. I can't change what's made me crazy. I know this. So why can't I just be better?

I don't want another year like 2009. I want to be ok. I want to be good. And on the other hand, I just want to hide in bed for months and never come out.

Wow

So, I still don't have a job. Ever since Tita has come back from being home with her family, she has barely spoken to me. She came here once and that is pretty much it. I have been trying to be nice and ask how she is doing and I don't really get any answers from her.

Well, today, I got the message "Just let me know when you get your job" and that was it. Pretty cold if you ask me. After 2 years of giving half my fucking pay to this woman and pretty much catering to her every need, this is what I get? Fuck you.

In the end, whether I'm hurt or not doesn't matter. T is the one that suffers. And that, is what makes me the most angry.

Breaking my limit

Talia has been going through this phase...anything I say or ask, I get a big fat NO. No matter how many times I put her in the corner, take things away, she just doesn't give a shit.

Today I gave her a bath after she sprayed herself with febreze just for the fuck of it. I told her to come downstairs to get dressed, she said no. So I said you know what, fine, do whatever the hell you want I am so done with you.

So.

She peed on my bed. For the first time in her life. I am so done. I don't even know what to do. I am so sick of fighting all the fucking time. Yeah yeah, that's what having a kid is about right??

Snow

Today we had our first bit of snow and it was delicious. I only wish we'd had 10 feet of it :)

Still no job but am actively looking. Praying for something good to happen this week. But it's also nice to be able to be at home with Jen visiting from NYC. I only wish that I could have something to look forward to work wise; this way I would be able to actually relax somewhat if that makes sense.

I am exhausted and I don't have a real reason to be. That's what I dislike the most. It makes me feel like a big fat lazy ass. ::.Sigh::

Cheat

So I am reading all about Tiger's "Transgressions" today, heard the supposed message he left his chick asking her to remove her name on her voicemail because his wife had checked his phone. Then I was reading comments that people were leaving and many were saying that it was always the woman's fault for having a man cheat on them.

Isn't this beautiful? How society views this type of issue? Isn't it a wonderful message to send young girls? That whatever you do, no matter how skinny, how beautiful, sweet and educated you are, you are never enough because the penis takes precedence over all.

Of course I am biased. I was fucked over. Of course it stirs up all kinds of emotions in me that I'm not over to this day. Of course I'd love to bash someone's head in. But that won't change anything will it.

I'm not sure if I am able to get over S's affair. I'm not sure that I can ever trust anyone again since he was the only person I'd ever trusted. It made me very sad last week when we had our blow out and I told him that I was very sensitive because I am in depression and his response was; "What do you mean depression?" What did I mean? I mean the depression that my Dr. diagnosed 2 months ago and sent me to a shrink for. Then he asked what I was depressed about...which made me angrier. I yelled at him that I was depressed about him fucking someone else. And that I was angry because he couldn't tell me why the hell he'd done it. And still, he couldn't give me an answer.

"Don't look for a reason" people have said. Sorry, that hasn't worked. I don't think that anything ever will. I told him that maybe when I cheat on him he will get it. But, I don't want to have any type of sex with anyone. At all. Any thought or fantasy I might have had about it is dead. Has been for a year. Is this what I am to live with forever?

I promised to stay until T was old enough to care for herself in hopes that things would fix themselves with both of us working on our marriage. Maybe that can still happen....I don't know.

Right now, I just don't know. I love him. I always will. But I hate him at the same time. Which is even more horrible.

Speechless

Today started off quietly, running out for some errands with my inlaws and T. We bought S his xmas present (His parents) did some groceries and came home. 10 minutes after we arrived, my sister in law called and asked where my inlaws' car was. "S has it...what do you mean??" and there she was, parked outside of my house! They came to visit as a surprise! I hadn't seen my nephew since his birth 5 months ago. I think we must have looked like an Extreme Makeover family running out of the house, screaming with joy.

We had a wonderful time with them. T and my nephew took to each other quickly which was so nice. Had a delicious dinner, kids put to bed, just S, my mother and father in law and I up, chilling.

I got this message on my msn from the girl who had been babysitting T while Tita is away.

Drama.

Apparently, she had called today-sorry but...we are currently 8 people in the house, I never got the phone call or message and to be quite honest, my head is so filled with my sweet nephew right now that I haven't thought of much else. Ho.Ly.Crap.

I am a horrible person who thinks only of herself, who is selfish and judges others. I am also hurting T by not letting her take her to spend time with her after she said all of these and more vile things to me. I'm sorry, you want to tell me that I'm a self-centered bitch then take my child to hang out with?? Am I crazy?? Should I just say oh heehee no problem, be disrespectful and cruel 2 days in a row and take my child, NO PROBLEM.

After so much of her crap, I said goodbye and blocked her on msn. I am done. You do NOT use my child against me and expect me to say it's all ok.

And now, apparently, it is wrong that I speak about this on my blog. Whatever. Shut up Andi, stop being so self-centered and just forget any of what you're feeling.

It's now a few hours later and S and I had a huge blow out. It was wonderful. Very cool with all these people in the house as well. He doesn't understand why I "Let" shit like this get to me. I tried to explain that I don't do it for leisure since well...it doesn't entertain me much. It just gets to me. It affects me. Especially when my nerves are this raw. I tried to explain that this is part of depression. "What do you mean depression?" Wtf?? Hello, why do you think I'm seeing a shrink and had my meds upped??!! Seriously?? ::.Shakes head:: I don't really have any words actually. If he can't even comprehend that I was diagnosed with depression....then I have no clue where to go from here.

Tonight, I really wanted to grab my shit and go. I don't know where really. Maybe a hotel even. I didn't think of bringing T. I just want out. I want him to deal with everything on his own. Without me. So many things ran through my mind. They still are. Then, I came to a really sad realization (It's ok, I was already crying)

I pictured myself asking him; When was the last time you bought me flowers for no reason or any reason? When was the last time that you stopped and thought, hmmm...Andi would love this....(Dude...I got him a fuckin Slap Chop because he was so obsessed with it, just for the heck of it) when was the last time you cooked a meal just for me that you knew that I love and then I thought...shit...does he even know what my favourite meal is?? I don't even think he does...and it's a horrible thing to think about.

I don't want to see him or talk to him. I just want to be left alone. Yet, I've been so incredibly lonely that it's made me even more anxious. Maybe I should go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't know. I just want things to stop. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want the anxiety to go away and I want this gaping hole in my heart to stop hurting physically.

The most that I want, is to say that I am sorry. For being self-centered and selfish. Because apparently, that's what I am (S did NOT say this so let's not kill him yet). It's so confusing...shrink says "talk, write your feelings but don't keep it in" then I do and I "Shouldn't" let it get to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...