So, I still don't have a job. Ever since Tita has come back from being home with her family, she has barely spoken to me. She came here once and that is pretty much it. I have been trying to be nice and ask how she is doing and I don't really get any answers from her.
Well, today, I got the message "Just let me know when you get your job" and that was it. Pretty cold if you ask me. After 2 years of giving half my fucking pay to this woman and pretty much catering to her every need, this is what I get? Fuck you.
In the end, whether I'm hurt or not doesn't matter. T is the one that suffers. And that, is what makes me the most angry.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Breaking my limit
Talia has been going through this phase...anything I say or ask, I get a big fat NO. No matter how many times I put her in the corner, take things away, she just doesn't give a shit.
Today I gave her a bath after she sprayed herself with febreze just for the fuck of it. I told her to come downstairs to get dressed, she said no. So I said you know what, fine, do whatever the hell you want I am so done with you.
So.
She peed on my bed. For the first time in her life. I am so done. I don't even know what to do. I am so sick of fighting all the fucking time. Yeah yeah, that's what having a kid is about right??
Today I gave her a bath after she sprayed herself with febreze just for the fuck of it. I told her to come downstairs to get dressed, she said no. So I said you know what, fine, do whatever the hell you want I am so done with you.
So.
She peed on my bed. For the first time in her life. I am so done. I don't even know what to do. I am so sick of fighting all the fucking time. Yeah yeah, that's what having a kid is about right??
Monday, December 7, 2009
Snow
Today we had our first bit of snow and it was delicious. I only wish we'd had 10 feet of it :)
Still no job but am actively looking. Praying for something good to happen this week. But it's also nice to be able to be at home with Jen visiting from NYC. I only wish that I could have something to look forward to work wise; this way I would be able to actually relax somewhat if that makes sense.
I am exhausted and I don't have a real reason to be. That's what I dislike the most. It makes me feel like a big fat lazy ass. ::.Sigh::
Still no job but am actively looking. Praying for something good to happen this week. But it's also nice to be able to be at home with Jen visiting from NYC. I only wish that I could have something to look forward to work wise; this way I would be able to actually relax somewhat if that makes sense.
I am exhausted and I don't have a real reason to be. That's what I dislike the most. It makes me feel like a big fat lazy ass. ::.Sigh::
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Cheat
So I am reading all about Tiger's "Transgressions" today, heard the supposed message he left his chick asking her to remove her name on her voicemail because his wife had checked his phone. Then I was reading comments that people were leaving and many were saying that it was always the woman's fault for having a man cheat on them.
Isn't this beautiful? How society views this type of issue? Isn't it a wonderful message to send young girls? That whatever you do, no matter how skinny, how beautiful, sweet and educated you are, you are never enough because the penis takes precedence over all.
Of course I am biased. I was fucked over. Of course it stirs up all kinds of emotions in me that I'm not over to this day. Of course I'd love to bash someone's head in. But that won't change anything will it.
I'm not sure if I am able to get over S's affair. I'm not sure that I can ever trust anyone again since he was the only person I'd ever trusted. It made me very sad last week when we had our blow out and I told him that I was very sensitive because I am in depression and his response was; "What do you mean depression?" What did I mean? I mean the depression that my Dr. diagnosed 2 months ago and sent me to a shrink for. Then he asked what I was depressed about...which made me angrier. I yelled at him that I was depressed about him fucking someone else. And that I was angry because he couldn't tell me why the hell he'd done it. And still, he couldn't give me an answer.
"Don't look for a reason" people have said. Sorry, that hasn't worked. I don't think that anything ever will. I told him that maybe when I cheat on him he will get it. But, I don't want to have any type of sex with anyone. At all. Any thought or fantasy I might have had about it is dead. Has been for a year. Is this what I am to live with forever?
I promised to stay until T was old enough to care for herself in hopes that things would fix themselves with both of us working on our marriage. Maybe that can still happen....I don't know.
Right now, I just don't know. I love him. I always will. But I hate him at the same time. Which is even more horrible.
Isn't this beautiful? How society views this type of issue? Isn't it a wonderful message to send young girls? That whatever you do, no matter how skinny, how beautiful, sweet and educated you are, you are never enough because the penis takes precedence over all.
Of course I am biased. I was fucked over. Of course it stirs up all kinds of emotions in me that I'm not over to this day. Of course I'd love to bash someone's head in. But that won't change anything will it.
I'm not sure if I am able to get over S's affair. I'm not sure that I can ever trust anyone again since he was the only person I'd ever trusted. It made me very sad last week when we had our blow out and I told him that I was very sensitive because I am in depression and his response was; "What do you mean depression?" What did I mean? I mean the depression that my Dr. diagnosed 2 months ago and sent me to a shrink for. Then he asked what I was depressed about...which made me angrier. I yelled at him that I was depressed about him fucking someone else. And that I was angry because he couldn't tell me why the hell he'd done it. And still, he couldn't give me an answer.
"Don't look for a reason" people have said. Sorry, that hasn't worked. I don't think that anything ever will. I told him that maybe when I cheat on him he will get it. But, I don't want to have any type of sex with anyone. At all. Any thought or fantasy I might have had about it is dead. Has been for a year. Is this what I am to live with forever?
I promised to stay until T was old enough to care for herself in hopes that things would fix themselves with both of us working on our marriage. Maybe that can still happen....I don't know.
Right now, I just don't know. I love him. I always will. But I hate him at the same time. Which is even more horrible.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Speechless
Today started off quietly, running out for some errands with my inlaws and T. We bought S his xmas present (His parents) did some groceries and came home. 10 minutes after we arrived, my sister in law called and asked where my inlaws' car was. "S has it...what do you mean??" and there she was, parked outside of my house! They came to visit as a surprise! I hadn't seen my nephew since his birth 5 months ago. I think we must have looked like an Extreme Makeover family running out of the house, screaming with joy.
We had a wonderful time with them. T and my nephew took to each other quickly which was so nice. Had a delicious dinner, kids put to bed, just S, my mother and father in law and I up, chilling.
I got this message on my msn from the girl who had been babysitting T while Tita is away.
Drama.
Apparently, she had called today-sorry but...we are currently 8 people in the house, I never got the phone call or message and to be quite honest, my head is so filled with my sweet nephew right now that I haven't thought of much else. Ho.Ly.Crap.
I am a horrible person who thinks only of herself, who is selfish and judges others. I am also hurting T by not letting her take her to spend time with her after she said all of these and more vile things to me. I'm sorry, you want to tell me that I'm a self-centered bitch then take my child to hang out with?? Am I crazy?? Should I just say oh heehee no problem, be disrespectful and cruel 2 days in a row and take my child, NO PROBLEM.
After so much of her crap, I said goodbye and blocked her on msn. I am done. You do NOT use my child against me and expect me to say it's all ok.
And now, apparently, it is wrong that I speak about this on my blog. Whatever. Shut up Andi, stop being so self-centered and just forget any of what you're feeling.
It's now a few hours later and S and I had a huge blow out. It was wonderful. Very cool with all these people in the house as well. He doesn't understand why I "Let" shit like this get to me. I tried to explain that I don't do it for leisure since well...it doesn't entertain me much. It just gets to me. It affects me. Especially when my nerves are this raw. I tried to explain that this is part of depression. "What do you mean depression?" Wtf?? Hello, why do you think I'm seeing a shrink and had my meds upped??!! Seriously?? ::.Shakes head:: I don't really have any words actually. If he can't even comprehend that I was diagnosed with depression....then I have no clue where to go from here.
Tonight, I really wanted to grab my shit and go. I don't know where really. Maybe a hotel even. I didn't think of bringing T. I just want out. I want him to deal with everything on his own. Without me. So many things ran through my mind. They still are. Then, I came to a really sad realization (It's ok, I was already crying)
I pictured myself asking him; When was the last time you bought me flowers for no reason or any reason? When was the last time that you stopped and thought, hmmm...Andi would love this....(Dude...I got him a fuckin Slap Chop because he was so obsessed with it, just for the heck of it) when was the last time you cooked a meal just for me that you knew that I love and then I thought...shit...does he even know what my favourite meal is?? I don't even think he does...and it's a horrible thing to think about.
I don't want to see him or talk to him. I just want to be left alone. Yet, I've been so incredibly lonely that it's made me even more anxious. Maybe I should go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't know. I just want things to stop. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want the anxiety to go away and I want this gaping hole in my heart to stop hurting physically.
The most that I want, is to say that I am sorry. For being self-centered and selfish. Because apparently, that's what I am (S did NOT say this so let's not kill him yet). It's so confusing...shrink says "talk, write your feelings but don't keep it in" then I do and I "Shouldn't" let it get to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...
We had a wonderful time with them. T and my nephew took to each other quickly which was so nice. Had a delicious dinner, kids put to bed, just S, my mother and father in law and I up, chilling.
I got this message on my msn from the girl who had been babysitting T while Tita is away.
Drama.
Apparently, she had called today-sorry but...we are currently 8 people in the house, I never got the phone call or message and to be quite honest, my head is so filled with my sweet nephew right now that I haven't thought of much else. Ho.Ly.Crap.
I am a horrible person who thinks only of herself, who is selfish and judges others. I am also hurting T by not letting her take her to spend time with her after she said all of these and more vile things to me. I'm sorry, you want to tell me that I'm a self-centered bitch then take my child to hang out with?? Am I crazy?? Should I just say oh heehee no problem, be disrespectful and cruel 2 days in a row and take my child, NO PROBLEM.
After so much of her crap, I said goodbye and blocked her on msn. I am done. You do NOT use my child against me and expect me to say it's all ok.
And now, apparently, it is wrong that I speak about this on my blog. Whatever. Shut up Andi, stop being so self-centered and just forget any of what you're feeling.
It's now a few hours later and S and I had a huge blow out. It was wonderful. Very cool with all these people in the house as well. He doesn't understand why I "Let" shit like this get to me. I tried to explain that I don't do it for leisure since well...it doesn't entertain me much. It just gets to me. It affects me. Especially when my nerves are this raw. I tried to explain that this is part of depression. "What do you mean depression?" Wtf?? Hello, why do you think I'm seeing a shrink and had my meds upped??!! Seriously?? ::.Shakes head:: I don't really have any words actually. If he can't even comprehend that I was diagnosed with depression....then I have no clue where to go from here.
Tonight, I really wanted to grab my shit and go. I don't know where really. Maybe a hotel even. I didn't think of bringing T. I just want out. I want him to deal with everything on his own. Without me. So many things ran through my mind. They still are. Then, I came to a really sad realization (It's ok, I was already crying)
I pictured myself asking him; When was the last time you bought me flowers for no reason or any reason? When was the last time that you stopped and thought, hmmm...Andi would love this....(Dude...I got him a fuckin Slap Chop because he was so obsessed with it, just for the heck of it) when was the last time you cooked a meal just for me that you knew that I love and then I thought...shit...does he even know what my favourite meal is?? I don't even think he does...and it's a horrible thing to think about.
I don't want to see him or talk to him. I just want to be left alone. Yet, I've been so incredibly lonely that it's made me even more anxious. Maybe I should go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't know. I just want things to stop. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want the anxiety to go away and I want this gaping hole in my heart to stop hurting physically.
The most that I want, is to say that I am sorry. For being self-centered and selfish. Because apparently, that's what I am (S did NOT say this so let's not kill him yet). It's so confusing...shrink says "talk, write your feelings but don't keep it in" then I do and I "Shouldn't" let it get to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Reliable
While Tita is away, I found someone to care for T (Mostly the first 2 wks since my inlaws couldn't come sooner but then I was canned from work) and this person, who is very, very good with T, has a few issues. Keeping appointments is one of them. It has happened more than once where she has changed babysitting times on me. She would be scheduled for 11 but then at the last minute would say, oh I have to come later, I don't feel good. Things like that.
She pushed and pushed this week for me to give her some time (I thought that I would be back in work by now and would be able to give my inlaws a break once in a while but the fact of the matter is, I haven't found a job and money is...non existant) however, I agreed and gave her some hours.
Today, she was to pick T up at 11am. I had a phone interview at 12pm. Well...got an email this morning. "Can we do it later, I don't feel well" Then it turned into, can you bring her at 11:30 instead. Uhm, no I have an interview. "Well how long will it take" I don't know?? Wtf!! YOU wanted to sit, YOU wanted the hours, wtf are you changing shit on me for now?? I expressed that I am very anxious and stressed and that I couldn't deal with that right now. Then I got the "Well there are so many that are worse off than you" shit. To help me see the positive in my life. Wtf I finally say something like, uhm, can someone think about my side of things?? And THAT's the shit I get.
And now I'm apparently guilt tripping this girl. I can't handle this anymore. I can't. And if it's "Not that big of a problem" or "As bad as others" then fuck you. I'm finished.
She pushed and pushed this week for me to give her some time (I thought that I would be back in work by now and would be able to give my inlaws a break once in a while but the fact of the matter is, I haven't found a job and money is...non existant) however, I agreed and gave her some hours.
Today, she was to pick T up at 11am. I had a phone interview at 12pm. Well...got an email this morning. "Can we do it later, I don't feel well" Then it turned into, can you bring her at 11:30 instead. Uhm, no I have an interview. "Well how long will it take" I don't know?? Wtf!! YOU wanted to sit, YOU wanted the hours, wtf are you changing shit on me for now?? I expressed that I am very anxious and stressed and that I couldn't deal with that right now. Then I got the "Well there are so many that are worse off than you" shit. To help me see the positive in my life. Wtf I finally say something like, uhm, can someone think about my side of things?? And THAT's the shit I get.
And now I'm apparently guilt tripping this girl. I can't handle this anymore. I can't. And if it's "Not that big of a problem" or "As bad as others" then fuck you. I'm finished.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Blank
Being out of a job is beginning to take it's toll on me. Not so long ago, I would just look at my resume online and the phone would ring. Now...I'm at the mercy of lazy recruiters and operations directors who might or might not like my ass it seems.
I'm trying to stay positive. This last year has been really difficult for me in that department.
I've been trying to save my marriage though I feel like I'm the only one working on it. Technically, I was the one cheated on so...shouldn't S be working his ass off to treat me like a queen, like he swore that he would. Like he begged me to let him do? It's not exactly happening.
He is a good man. One of the reasons I didn't leave him. He is not malicious, he is not uncaring. But I don't remember the last time that he went out of his way for me. Or that he told me that I was remotely beautiful. I feel ugly. Repulsive. Unworthy. I don't want to leave, I don't want to start with someone new which, I'm sorry, but I know that I could do quickly. I just want to be shown some type of gratitude. Not just "Hey babe, can you please transfer money into my account so that I can get train tickets? You're the best" or "Hey, what are you making for dinner, I'm really hungry."
Again, he doesn't do it to be an ass. He just doesn't know any better. And I've tried to show him, to ask him. I just don't feel like I matter.
Perhaps it's part of the whole depression (Yeah...after almost a year of pretending that I was ok and over S's affair, my brain said, fuck off, you're still hurt). Being canned the way that I was at work did not help matters either.
I just want shit to stop. I want good. Just a bit. Yes, there are many, many others going through so much worse, I know. I know.
I'm just scared that my father will have been right all along. That I'll amount to nothing and end up alone. Alone.
I'm trying to stay positive. This last year has been really difficult for me in that department.
I've been trying to save my marriage though I feel like I'm the only one working on it. Technically, I was the one cheated on so...shouldn't S be working his ass off to treat me like a queen, like he swore that he would. Like he begged me to let him do? It's not exactly happening.
He is a good man. One of the reasons I didn't leave him. He is not malicious, he is not uncaring. But I don't remember the last time that he went out of his way for me. Or that he told me that I was remotely beautiful. I feel ugly. Repulsive. Unworthy. I don't want to leave, I don't want to start with someone new which, I'm sorry, but I know that I could do quickly. I just want to be shown some type of gratitude. Not just "Hey babe, can you please transfer money into my account so that I can get train tickets? You're the best" or "Hey, what are you making for dinner, I'm really hungry."
Again, he doesn't do it to be an ass. He just doesn't know any better. And I've tried to show him, to ask him. I just don't feel like I matter.
Perhaps it's part of the whole depression (Yeah...after almost a year of pretending that I was ok and over S's affair, my brain said, fuck off, you're still hurt). Being canned the way that I was at work did not help matters either.
I just want shit to stop. I want good. Just a bit. Yes, there are many, many others going through so much worse, I know. I know.
I'm just scared that my father will have been right all along. That I'll amount to nothing and end up alone. Alone.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Heartbreak
My cousin lost his first and only child yesterday morning. For three weeks, the dr. thought it "odd" that the baby was turning so much and kept putting off a C section. They broke J's water on thursday evening, told her to come back in the morning as labour should be started.
It was to late yesterday morning. He was gone. So they sent her home, with her child still in her tummy, had her back this morning and had her deliver naturally.
How fucking wrong...how wrong is this...and THIS is what makes me wonder what God is doing. What he's about. If he loves his children so much, how could he let something like this happen. No one has ever been able to answer this. No one will. And my heart aches for this family. For this baby who was fighting to breathe and wasn't given the chance.
Yes, I am holding my child a million times tighter tonight. She is in bed and I miss her already.
It was to late yesterday morning. He was gone. So they sent her home, with her child still in her tummy, had her back this morning and had her deliver naturally.
How fucking wrong...how wrong is this...and THIS is what makes me wonder what God is doing. What he's about. If he loves his children so much, how could he let something like this happen. No one has ever been able to answer this. No one will. And my heart aches for this family. For this baby who was fighting to breathe and wasn't given the chance.
Yes, I am holding my child a million times tighter tonight. She is in bed and I miss her already.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Remodel!
So, my inlaws are here for 3 weeks. Yes...THREE wks. Lol. I do have to say that they are helping a lot in many areas which is really rather lovely.
They have finished repainting the kitchen. Started the living room and will be completing the mosaic ceramic backsplash this weekend. They put up the Xmas lights outside and have provided T with much entertainment. I love how they tire her out :)
My Princess is one in need of people. She loves having them around her. In the house. It makes her happy. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense. She was born in a room full of people, she came home and my mother stayed a week. The next week, my inlaws came for 2, then my sister in law for another week then friends and family were around all of the time. So of course, she loves when there is noise in the background and people to play with.
She is such a gentle soul. And usually a happy child. She has her testy moments for sure and I hate that I am not patient enough at times. I feel beyond guilty for not controlling my frustration at times and I become afraid of turning out like my father...I know...but the fear is still very much there. According to the shrink, this means that I will not be like him. The thought of a hair on her head being even remotely pulled makes me sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I never, EVER get the urge to physically or mentally hurt her but it scares me that I raise my voice...
I have 2 meetings tomorrow, one on monday and probably another on tuesday. I don't talk about them because I am afraid to jinx them. Dumb but humour me. So in the remodelling rage, I went out and bought myself an outfit for the first time in...2 years maybe. It's not gorgeous, and certainly not a size 6 which pisses me the hell off but it will do.
Maybe monday morning, I will splurge and get my hair done before heading out. We're broke but what are you gonna do heh.
If only Lyposuction came in bulk at WalMart or something teeehee.
And here ends my pointless post of the evening. Time to get my ass into bed and attempt to sleep without stressing HA! Think of me.
They have finished repainting the kitchen. Started the living room and will be completing the mosaic ceramic backsplash this weekend. They put up the Xmas lights outside and have provided T with much entertainment. I love how they tire her out :)
My Princess is one in need of people. She loves having them around her. In the house. It makes her happy. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense. She was born in a room full of people, she came home and my mother stayed a week. The next week, my inlaws came for 2, then my sister in law for another week then friends and family were around all of the time. So of course, she loves when there is noise in the background and people to play with.
She is such a gentle soul. And usually a happy child. She has her testy moments for sure and I hate that I am not patient enough at times. I feel beyond guilty for not controlling my frustration at times and I become afraid of turning out like my father...I know...but the fear is still very much there. According to the shrink, this means that I will not be like him. The thought of a hair on her head being even remotely pulled makes me sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I never, EVER get the urge to physically or mentally hurt her but it scares me that I raise my voice...
I have 2 meetings tomorrow, one on monday and probably another on tuesday. I don't talk about them because I am afraid to jinx them. Dumb but humour me. So in the remodelling rage, I went out and bought myself an outfit for the first time in...2 years maybe. It's not gorgeous, and certainly not a size 6 which pisses me the hell off but it will do.
Maybe monday morning, I will splurge and get my hair done before heading out. We're broke but what are you gonna do heh.
If only Lyposuction came in bulk at WalMart or something teeehee.
And here ends my pointless post of the evening. Time to get my ass into bed and attempt to sleep without stressing HA! Think of me.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Week 2
Tomorrow I am starting week 2 of unemployment. I am...shall we say...freaking out. I don't know what more I need to do to get people to call me back. It's scary. 5 years ago, when we moved here, I would LOOK at my resume online and the phone would ring. I would pick and choose who I met, IF I met with them, then I would let them fight over me and wait for the right price to come along.
This is not so anymore...Sign of the times I know but really scary for me. I just want to start. So that I can utilize my severance to pay shit off and breathe a bit.
I know that I shouldn't whine and bitch but then again, this is my blog and I promised that I wouldn't censor myself in here. So...there you have it.
My inlaws arrived yesterday for 3 wks (I was supposed to be working and needed someone to look after T while Tita is away) and I have to say, I am relieved that they are here. Ask me how I feel in 10 days hahaha ;)
This is not so anymore...Sign of the times I know but really scary for me. I just want to start. So that I can utilize my severance to pay shit off and breathe a bit.
I know that I shouldn't whine and bitch but then again, this is my blog and I promised that I wouldn't censor myself in here. So...there you have it.
My inlaws arrived yesterday for 3 wks (I was supposed to be working and needed someone to look after T while Tita is away) and I have to say, I am relieved that they are here. Ask me how I feel in 10 days hahaha ;)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
My Girls
So, I'm laying here trying to get over this gross feeling in my stomach and I started to think about how truly blessed I am. I have a gorgeous daughter, a good hubby who likes to spy at what I'm writing while watching the sports highlights :p a beautiful home and friends that can't compare.
Those friends are unfortunately not physically here with me however, they help me in ways that most people dream of.
Jen. My NYC girl.
When I met Jen, she was a shy, reserved and quiet woman. Years passed and she transformed into the true New Yorker that she is ;) Loud (Heehee) confident, more outspoken with a heart that loves fiercely and loyally. The last time Jen was here was last year when she came to celebrate hers and T's bdays. Even if we don't see eachother every month, it never changes. When we do see each other, it's like it was just yesterday. Music was always our common love...and laughter. Crap do we laugh together. And no matter what time of day or night, if I need her, amidst all that she is going through, fighting through (And you WILL beat this evil disease that is failing at breaking your spirit) she is there. No matter what.
Christie. My Texas girl.
Chris is my spiritual guide, my comic relief and my guru mama. She runs after 3 boys all day long. One of which believes that repelling down a second story at 5am is a great idea, and acts as the mother for her own siblings quite often, and complains pretty much, NEVER. The moment anything happens, there she is. I think that if the day ever came where I needed her here, she would load up the boys in her car and drive herself here. The best part is that we can speak our minds and ask the questions that no one would ever admit to thinking of out loud. And that is priceless.
Laurie. My New England girl.
Laurie and I went through 1st trimester stress together. Second trimester fun and third trimester fear of giving birth together. Our babies were born very close in dates so most of the milestones and not so honourable toddler moments have been lived out at the same time. She supported me through my PPD, my anxieties at trying to be a good mother and has stood up with and for me in times where others wouldn't. I awaited her next miracle anxious with her. Barely containing my excitement when the big day finally came. And Dylan Ross was born. However, not in the way that had been expected. When I heard the news that Dylan was diagnosed with Down's syndrome, I was not heartbroken at the diagnosis. I was heartbroken at Laurie's pain and worry. Then, she let me in on Dylan's life. And every day, though I never got to hold either of them, I fell in love with this remarkable little boy. I remember thinking, after hearing the news, how lucky those two are to have been chosen to be together. And I believe this more every day. Laurie is my inspiration and my hero. I know that she probably gets tired of hearing it but she amazes me in so many ways. Through raising two children, fighting drs and celebrating her loves, she still takes the time to stop and think of me, to talk to me. Little me. That is worth so much...
Cheryl. My Barrie girl.
Ahhh my birth buddy. I remember getting the call in late August from Cheryl's sister telling me that she was in labour. I panicked and thought, no no, this is much too early. Then a calm came over me. This was Cheryl's kid. Which meant she would be strong, very strong. She would make it. And so she did. Silvia is beautiful, spunky, determined, gentle and loving. Like her mother.
I will always remember that image of Cheryl arriving at my patio door in the snow, carrying her little 2 month old and a bunch of different bags, smile on her face and ready to grab me into her arms as she came to meet T for the first time and soothe me through my PPD. That, meant more than I've ever been able to express.
We've celebrated birthdays, holidays together. We've worried for each other, stood up for each other and supported each other through many trials and joys. Right now, it's not easy for her and I wish that I could do something. Anything. Sometimes, I think that everyone just assumes that she can do it all on her own. Even she does this. But the best quality that Cheryl has is that she is human. None of us should ever forget that.
Amy. My Switzerland girl.
Amy lives the farthest and though that is, she is certainly not the farthest from my heart. I cannot wait until December when she comes home to Canada with her gorgeous babies so that we can all see each other again. Amy is quiet, shy but another lady with a fierce loving heart and soul. She thinks of everyone but herself. She takes the time to pick out suprises for T that always make her happy. And yes, I really do want her to marry JoJo. Amy stands in the shadows but is always one step away from grabbing on to me whenever I need it. And I have needed it. Each time, she was there. How lucky am I?
Heather, my FL girl.
I met Heather a year and a half ago and loved her instantly. She helped me survive my first FL cockroach (That was rather interesting) not butting out my smokes in a mailbox and mostly, kept me up to speed and confident in what I was doing. Her eyes are like diamonds but her heart is like nothing else on this planet. A treasure all around. When things get bad, her number comes up and I know that all she wants to do is make it all better. And she succeeds. Her honk is one of a kind and her laughter like sunshine and though I would give anything to fly out and be at her wedding, I know that she understands and loves me no matter how crazy I get. Listens to my OCD moments and my happy ones. My frustrations-I'd hate to cross that woman and I'd LOVE to see her in a dark alley against one dickhead that's crossed me. My sweet girl. Love love love you.
Though the warmth of a hand on mine, a hug that lasts 10 minutes or just a coffee at the corner bistro doesn't happen often, if ever, with these gorgeous, gorgeous girls...something more happens each time we speak. I won't lie. I do wish that we could all visit. Imagine a city with ALL of us in one place. Oooof!! They wouldn't know what hit them would they. I wish that we could have playdates and shopping excursions, spa days and bitch out sessions at the pub. However, that's not how life planned it. And I'm ok with that. I am blessed. And I know that I have failed to express what I wanted but the main thing is this; Thank you. All of you. For letting me be who I am. Uncensored, unmasked. Just me. I love you. Beyond words.
Those friends are unfortunately not physically here with me however, they help me in ways that most people dream of.
Jen. My NYC girl.
When I met Jen, she was a shy, reserved and quiet woman. Years passed and she transformed into the true New Yorker that she is ;) Loud (Heehee) confident, more outspoken with a heart that loves fiercely and loyally. The last time Jen was here was last year when she came to celebrate hers and T's bdays. Even if we don't see eachother every month, it never changes. When we do see each other, it's like it was just yesterday. Music was always our common love...and laughter. Crap do we laugh together. And no matter what time of day or night, if I need her, amidst all that she is going through, fighting through (And you WILL beat this evil disease that is failing at breaking your spirit) she is there. No matter what.
Christie. My Texas girl.
Chris is my spiritual guide, my comic relief and my guru mama. She runs after 3 boys all day long. One of which believes that repelling down a second story at 5am is a great idea, and acts as the mother for her own siblings quite often, and complains pretty much, NEVER. The moment anything happens, there she is. I think that if the day ever came where I needed her here, she would load up the boys in her car and drive herself here. The best part is that we can speak our minds and ask the questions that no one would ever admit to thinking of out loud. And that is priceless.
Laurie. My New England girl.
Laurie and I went through 1st trimester stress together. Second trimester fun and third trimester fear of giving birth together. Our babies were born very close in dates so most of the milestones and not so honourable toddler moments have been lived out at the same time. She supported me through my PPD, my anxieties at trying to be a good mother and has stood up with and for me in times where others wouldn't. I awaited her next miracle anxious with her. Barely containing my excitement when the big day finally came. And Dylan Ross was born. However, not in the way that had been expected. When I heard the news that Dylan was diagnosed with Down's syndrome, I was not heartbroken at the diagnosis. I was heartbroken at Laurie's pain and worry. Then, she let me in on Dylan's life. And every day, though I never got to hold either of them, I fell in love with this remarkable little boy. I remember thinking, after hearing the news, how lucky those two are to have been chosen to be together. And I believe this more every day. Laurie is my inspiration and my hero. I know that she probably gets tired of hearing it but she amazes me in so many ways. Through raising two children, fighting drs and celebrating her loves, she still takes the time to stop and think of me, to talk to me. Little me. That is worth so much...
Cheryl. My Barrie girl.
Ahhh my birth buddy. I remember getting the call in late August from Cheryl's sister telling me that she was in labour. I panicked and thought, no no, this is much too early. Then a calm came over me. This was Cheryl's kid. Which meant she would be strong, very strong. She would make it. And so she did. Silvia is beautiful, spunky, determined, gentle and loving. Like her mother.
I will always remember that image of Cheryl arriving at my patio door in the snow, carrying her little 2 month old and a bunch of different bags, smile on her face and ready to grab me into her arms as she came to meet T for the first time and soothe me through my PPD. That, meant more than I've ever been able to express.
We've celebrated birthdays, holidays together. We've worried for each other, stood up for each other and supported each other through many trials and joys. Right now, it's not easy for her and I wish that I could do something. Anything. Sometimes, I think that everyone just assumes that she can do it all on her own. Even she does this. But the best quality that Cheryl has is that she is human. None of us should ever forget that.
Amy. My Switzerland girl.
Amy lives the farthest and though that is, she is certainly not the farthest from my heart. I cannot wait until December when she comes home to Canada with her gorgeous babies so that we can all see each other again. Amy is quiet, shy but another lady with a fierce loving heart and soul. She thinks of everyone but herself. She takes the time to pick out suprises for T that always make her happy. And yes, I really do want her to marry JoJo. Amy stands in the shadows but is always one step away from grabbing on to me whenever I need it. And I have needed it. Each time, she was there. How lucky am I?
Heather, my FL girl.
I met Heather a year and a half ago and loved her instantly. She helped me survive my first FL cockroach (That was rather interesting) not butting out my smokes in a mailbox and mostly, kept me up to speed and confident in what I was doing. Her eyes are like diamonds but her heart is like nothing else on this planet. A treasure all around. When things get bad, her number comes up and I know that all she wants to do is make it all better. And she succeeds. Her honk is one of a kind and her laughter like sunshine and though I would give anything to fly out and be at her wedding, I know that she understands and loves me no matter how crazy I get. Listens to my OCD moments and my happy ones. My frustrations-I'd hate to cross that woman and I'd LOVE to see her in a dark alley against one dickhead that's crossed me. My sweet girl. Love love love you.
Though the warmth of a hand on mine, a hug that lasts 10 minutes or just a coffee at the corner bistro doesn't happen often, if ever, with these gorgeous, gorgeous girls...something more happens each time we speak. I won't lie. I do wish that we could all visit. Imagine a city with ALL of us in one place. Oooof!! They wouldn't know what hit them would they. I wish that we could have playdates and shopping excursions, spa days and bitch out sessions at the pub. However, that's not how life planned it. And I'm ok with that. I am blessed. And I know that I have failed to express what I wanted but the main thing is this; Thank you. All of you. For letting me be who I am. Uncensored, unmasked. Just me. I love you. Beyond words.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Frustration
Being canned does not help one with depression. Not receiving a call back from your recruiter either. Being stone walled by HR is starting to piss me off more and more and I just want it all overwith. Just give me my money and fuck off.
And the more saturday draws near, the more that I just want my inlaws to arrive. T needs strong support, though I try to be that for her, I know that I am failing. My mother has been sick for 13 days and I still cannot visit with her and I am worried. T is trying to be good but I know that she feels the anxiety that is screaming to flood out of me. S is not sleeping or eating very well. I just really want this overwith...
I feel very, very alone. Who would want to hear self pity moaning anyway. So I jsut bitch in here and hope that this will pass. But the isolation doesn't go away...
And the more saturday draws near, the more that I just want my inlaws to arrive. T needs strong support, though I try to be that for her, I know that I am failing. My mother has been sick for 13 days and I still cannot visit with her and I am worried. T is trying to be good but I know that she feels the anxiety that is screaming to flood out of me. S is not sleeping or eating very well. I just really want this overwith...
I feel very, very alone. Who would want to hear self pity moaning anyway. So I jsut bitch in here and hope that this will pass. But the isolation doesn't go away...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
It's done
In a Starbuck's, surrounded by people I did not know. I waited for my boss and my blackberry shut off then rebooted. All had been wiped out. It was pretty obvious.
So he arrived with the sales manager whom I never reported to and barely ever worked with. And there they were. My boss barely said a word, didn't look me in the eyes. As they told me that I was being terminated, I erased every single file on the laptop that they had provided when I started a year and a half ago. Oups.
The sales manager asked if I was ok. I started to laugh and said "Sure, I got canned in a Starbuck's and have a family to feed. I'm splendid" Apparently, this is wrongful dismissal. I'm just pissed. And petrified. I can starve and go without electricity/shelter. Not my daughter...
I went straight to an interview with a recruiter and now I must play the hungry unemployed game until something happens. I'll work overnight shifs at McDonald's if I have to. I don't care. Work is work. If it means survival, then so be it.
Someone else (No one you know, no worries) was less considerate and more worried about their own little worries and kept at me and then even got upset at my "Unresponsiveness" I'm sorry, I just got fucking fired. I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I'm sorry that I can't cater to your needs. No, omg are you ok, I'm sorry, I'm here. Just, answer me, do for me, be available to me. Thanks. I feel so damn supported.
So he arrived with the sales manager whom I never reported to and barely ever worked with. And there they were. My boss barely said a word, didn't look me in the eyes. As they told me that I was being terminated, I erased every single file on the laptop that they had provided when I started a year and a half ago. Oups.
The sales manager asked if I was ok. I started to laugh and said "Sure, I got canned in a Starbuck's and have a family to feed. I'm splendid" Apparently, this is wrongful dismissal. I'm just pissed. And petrified. I can starve and go without electricity/shelter. Not my daughter...
I went straight to an interview with a recruiter and now I must play the hungry unemployed game until something happens. I'll work overnight shifs at McDonald's if I have to. I don't care. Work is work. If it means survival, then so be it.
Someone else (No one you know, no worries) was less considerate and more worried about their own little worries and kept at me and then even got upset at my "Unresponsiveness" I'm sorry, I just got fucking fired. I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I'm sorry that I can't cater to your needs. No, omg are you ok, I'm sorry, I'm here. Just, answer me, do for me, be available to me. Thanks. I feel so damn supported.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Tomorrow
Well, tomorrow is the day that I meet with my boss. And with someone else for something perhaps better. I don't know about that.
As much as I'm stressed about this, I'm to the point where I don't care. I've been cleaning up someone else's crap while doing all of mine and getting flack on top of it. Instead of voicing my usual concerns and stating out injustices, I will sit and nod and say, ok sure, yes sir. And if he actually cares enough to ask why I'm not saying much, I will just tell him the truth. No matter what I say, how I say it or how many times I say it; it doesn't matter. Never did.
Last night, S and I were talking about this and realized that, if I stayed home and worked enough evenings or weekends at some mindless job, all I would need really, is to bring home 350$ a week in my pockets and we would be better off than we are now. That's if we let go of Tita which neither of us are really ready to do. Just one more year and then T will be off to Montessori which costs half of what we are paying now for a live-in nanny. The next 5 wks are already stressful as Tita has left for the Philippines to visit her family and T is so incredibly attached to her. They have an incredible bond. And she does alot for us, even if her family pokes their noses into our business-it's always about money-I don't want to let her go. I've been afraid that she would leave us.
I'm actually counting the days until my inlaws arrive. That's a first for sure. I'm also hoping that this will quiet them all for the holidays. No, I don't want to drive 6 1/2 hours in the snow and ice. Again. As we have been doing forever. Sue me. I want to be in my new home with my family and my real xmas tree. This makes me a horrible person. So be it.
I'd also love to spend a night without coughing out my lungs or sweating 16 buckets, waking me up freezing and shivering. I've been sick for a month. Seriously, I'm kind of sick of sleeping on the couch so that I won't wake up the entire house.
Wow. I don't have Swine flu. I have WHINE flu don't I. Oh well.
I'm worried about alot of things, my mom included. She is so sick and I can't go and take care of her. She wouldn't let me anyway but I want to be there.
A year ago, I was in VA while Obama was elected, running around like a little superstar being pushed and praised for being "The best" at what I did.
Now? I'm awaiting my doom that will come at 12:30pm tomorrow. What will it be next year?
As much as I'm stressed about this, I'm to the point where I don't care. I've been cleaning up someone else's crap while doing all of mine and getting flack on top of it. Instead of voicing my usual concerns and stating out injustices, I will sit and nod and say, ok sure, yes sir. And if he actually cares enough to ask why I'm not saying much, I will just tell him the truth. No matter what I say, how I say it or how many times I say it; it doesn't matter. Never did.
Last night, S and I were talking about this and realized that, if I stayed home and worked enough evenings or weekends at some mindless job, all I would need really, is to bring home 350$ a week in my pockets and we would be better off than we are now. That's if we let go of Tita which neither of us are really ready to do. Just one more year and then T will be off to Montessori which costs half of what we are paying now for a live-in nanny. The next 5 wks are already stressful as Tita has left for the Philippines to visit her family and T is so incredibly attached to her. They have an incredible bond. And she does alot for us, even if her family pokes their noses into our business-it's always about money-I don't want to let her go. I've been afraid that she would leave us.
I'm actually counting the days until my inlaws arrive. That's a first for sure. I'm also hoping that this will quiet them all for the holidays. No, I don't want to drive 6 1/2 hours in the snow and ice. Again. As we have been doing forever. Sue me. I want to be in my new home with my family and my real xmas tree. This makes me a horrible person. So be it.
I'd also love to spend a night without coughing out my lungs or sweating 16 buckets, waking me up freezing and shivering. I've been sick for a month. Seriously, I'm kind of sick of sleeping on the couch so that I won't wake up the entire house.
Wow. I don't have Swine flu. I have WHINE flu don't I. Oh well.
I'm worried about alot of things, my mom included. She is so sick and I can't go and take care of her. She wouldn't let me anyway but I want to be there.
A year ago, I was in VA while Obama was elected, running around like a little superstar being pushed and praised for being "The best" at what I did.
Now? I'm awaiting my doom that will come at 12:30pm tomorrow. What will it be next year?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
November
Is it November already...where is the snow. I don't even smell it coming this year. I miss it. I know, most people are cringing at those words but the cold, the flakes...they soothe me. Always did. Never knew why.
I've a few things on my heart tonight but I'm too lazy (Again) to type them up. I have a stressful 2 wks ahead of me. Tomorrow morning, Menactra vaccince for T. Perhaps an H1N1 thrown in there if they have it. Wednesday; meeting with my boss. Will I have a job or any self esteem left afterwards? Good question.
My inlaws arrive on the 14th. I just want them here already-Scary isn't it? The truth is, without T's tita here for 5 wks...I'm left to depend on someone that I don't know very well to look after her in the mornings and I am to work and entertain her in the afternoons.
I haven't slept in a week, not even in my bed, due to this intense cough that just won't go away. The fits scare me. I come so close to being sick...
I don't know who's reading, IF anyone's reading, I just feel very isolated. Going through things but everyone else has problems that are "Worse" or "More important" than mine. Selfishly...I wish that mine were important. For once. But I should know better.
I am so freaking nervous...I just want things to be ok.
I've a few things on my heart tonight but I'm too lazy (Again) to type them up. I have a stressful 2 wks ahead of me. Tomorrow morning, Menactra vaccince for T. Perhaps an H1N1 thrown in there if they have it. Wednesday; meeting with my boss. Will I have a job or any self esteem left afterwards? Good question.
My inlaws arrive on the 14th. I just want them here already-Scary isn't it? The truth is, without T's tita here for 5 wks...I'm left to depend on someone that I don't know very well to look after her in the mornings and I am to work and entertain her in the afternoons.
I haven't slept in a week, not even in my bed, due to this intense cough that just won't go away. The fits scare me. I come so close to being sick...
I don't know who's reading, IF anyone's reading, I just feel very isolated. Going through things but everyone else has problems that are "Worse" or "More important" than mine. Selfishly...I wish that mine were important. For once. But I should know better.
I am so freaking nervous...I just want things to be ok.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Hypocrisy
Last Sunday, I went to church as I normally try to do. I sat and listenned to the chosen speaker tell the congregation about the wonders of repentance. The origins, the reasons, the wonders of God. All of it. Rather interesting and uplifting.
At the end of worship, I waited for the person leading to invite us to come to the front and pray should it be needed. I needed some prayer and I am certain that others did. That invitaion did not come.
Instead, a man asked to speak to the congregation. The man leading worship accepted warmly and the man came to the front of the church to speak to us.
This man was lost. I believe that he had been for quite some time but that is not something that I can be certain of. He asked us if he could ask a question. He had been fasting for 5 days in search of spiritual enlightenment. He needed help. Our help. So then came the question; "Do any of you know what the mystery of Christ is? Why he believed that his father had forsaken him on the cross when he was himself the Lord and should have known everything his father knew?"
I myself coming from a catholic background must admit that I am a bit jaded. The catholic upbringing that I came from taught me to fear God. To only do as I was said and ask no questions. It was also led by supposed God chosen people who, on one hand would say, Love thy neighbour...yet on the other hand, prosecute ANYONE who is not like us, who does not believe in what we believe in. I would say that many christians are this way. They were mislead and do not fully understand the concept that God is the only one that can judge us. That God loves all of his creations. No matter. And that he does not forsake his children. This is what this church has been trying to teach me.
The moment the words left the man's mouth, the air in the church became stiff, suffocating, negative, almost threatening. Some started quoting psalms, others argued that the man did not want an answer but only to attack. Then...one of the speakers that I had enjoyed the most went to the day's speaker (the one who spoke of repentance) and urged her to speak.
And so she did.
"This is neither the time or place for this type of question." she seemed to hiss.
I stood there open mouthed and truly mortified. Not by the fear of this troubled man pulling out a gun and opening fire, but of what I had just heard in response to him. Not the time or place? This woman who had sermoned for over 30 minutes about repentance and God's great forgiveness and love had just knocked this poor man down in an instant.
Is this what my new church is? A church filled with hypocrits unwilling to help their fellow man? Again?
I just had my beautiful daughter dedicated in this church not long ago and this, this is the type of reaction, response, that her ever so loving congregation is offering? THIS is what they have pledged to teach her?
I felt as though my heart had lept out of my throat. One woman stood up and started to profess everyone's doom at not believing in the Holy Mother and that's when I took my bearings, ran downstairs, grabbed my daughter and ran out. I ran out of what I thought had become a safe haven for me. Like a scared child. A place of acceptance, love and morals. A place where, I would be able to feel God's work through my fellow Christians. This had been the promise made to me there.
Instead...I saw anger, defensive stances, closed minds. And I am shattered. Had I not been so sickened by the scene, had I been more at ease with scripture and God himself, I would have run to the front and cried shame to the entire church. But then, who am I to do this? I came there to learn. To feel. God. Certainly, I could not be more knowledgeable than these "Leaders" who shot down this poor man. Could I be? Wasn't there ANYONE in this entire congregation that could stand up and put things into perspective? Shout; "SHAME ON YOU!! If THIS isn't the time or place, then where...WHERE can our brother turn to? Is this what our Father has taught us?"
Instead, the leader of the day, a man that I believe is an angel sent to earth, acknowledged the poor man's need and settled things quickly, quietly. Is this what the congregation deserved? What this man deserved? Again, I cannot judge. It is not my place. But I have to say, I am so, so disappointed. So broken hearted. And now I look at my church when I pass by with sorrow, anger and an immense sense of loss.
If I can't turn to my brothers and sisters, if a simple man cannot turn to us as a church, where on earth do I belong? Where can I possibly fit in?
At the end of worship, I waited for the person leading to invite us to come to the front and pray should it be needed. I needed some prayer and I am certain that others did. That invitaion did not come.
Instead, a man asked to speak to the congregation. The man leading worship accepted warmly and the man came to the front of the church to speak to us.
This man was lost. I believe that he had been for quite some time but that is not something that I can be certain of. He asked us if he could ask a question. He had been fasting for 5 days in search of spiritual enlightenment. He needed help. Our help. So then came the question; "Do any of you know what the mystery of Christ is? Why he believed that his father had forsaken him on the cross when he was himself the Lord and should have known everything his father knew?"
I myself coming from a catholic background must admit that I am a bit jaded. The catholic upbringing that I came from taught me to fear God. To only do as I was said and ask no questions. It was also led by supposed God chosen people who, on one hand would say, Love thy neighbour...yet on the other hand, prosecute ANYONE who is not like us, who does not believe in what we believe in. I would say that many christians are this way. They were mislead and do not fully understand the concept that God is the only one that can judge us. That God loves all of his creations. No matter. And that he does not forsake his children. This is what this church has been trying to teach me.
The moment the words left the man's mouth, the air in the church became stiff, suffocating, negative, almost threatening. Some started quoting psalms, others argued that the man did not want an answer but only to attack. Then...one of the speakers that I had enjoyed the most went to the day's speaker (the one who spoke of repentance) and urged her to speak.
And so she did.
"This is neither the time or place for this type of question." she seemed to hiss.
I stood there open mouthed and truly mortified. Not by the fear of this troubled man pulling out a gun and opening fire, but of what I had just heard in response to him. Not the time or place? This woman who had sermoned for over 30 minutes about repentance and God's great forgiveness and love had just knocked this poor man down in an instant.
Is this what my new church is? A church filled with hypocrits unwilling to help their fellow man? Again?
I just had my beautiful daughter dedicated in this church not long ago and this, this is the type of reaction, response, that her ever so loving congregation is offering? THIS is what they have pledged to teach her?
I felt as though my heart had lept out of my throat. One woman stood up and started to profess everyone's doom at not believing in the Holy Mother and that's when I took my bearings, ran downstairs, grabbed my daughter and ran out. I ran out of what I thought had become a safe haven for me. Like a scared child. A place of acceptance, love and morals. A place where, I would be able to feel God's work through my fellow Christians. This had been the promise made to me there.
Instead...I saw anger, defensive stances, closed minds. And I am shattered. Had I not been so sickened by the scene, had I been more at ease with scripture and God himself, I would have run to the front and cried shame to the entire church. But then, who am I to do this? I came there to learn. To feel. God. Certainly, I could not be more knowledgeable than these "Leaders" who shot down this poor man. Could I be? Wasn't there ANYONE in this entire congregation that could stand up and put things into perspective? Shout; "SHAME ON YOU!! If THIS isn't the time or place, then where...WHERE can our brother turn to? Is this what our Father has taught us?"
Instead, the leader of the day, a man that I believe is an angel sent to earth, acknowledged the poor man's need and settled things quickly, quietly. Is this what the congregation deserved? What this man deserved? Again, I cannot judge. It is not my place. But I have to say, I am so, so disappointed. So broken hearted. And now I look at my church when I pass by with sorrow, anger and an immense sense of loss.
If I can't turn to my brothers and sisters, if a simple man cannot turn to us as a church, where on earth do I belong? Where can I possibly fit in?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I am lazy
Haven't posted in a while. Probably because I'm not frustrated about much Hah! However, I SHOULD be posting about good things as well.
We're having a crisis with our girl. She has always hated bed time. Always. Since birth.
Last night I got the biggest tantrum...she's never done this. Ever. I know what some are saying "Don't let her win, she's manipulation you blablabla" It's so easy for everyone to say how much better they can or would handle it. Well...apparently, I can't. She went to sleep finally but woke up a few hours later and we let her come to bed with us. Bad mom.
And now, I must tend to my stressed out husband who is texting like crazy over finances...ah the joy.
We're having a crisis with our girl. She has always hated bed time. Always. Since birth.
Last night I got the biggest tantrum...she's never done this. Ever. I know what some are saying "Don't let her win, she's manipulation you blablabla" It's so easy for everyone to say how much better they can or would handle it. Well...apparently, I can't. She went to sleep finally but woke up a few hours later and we let her come to bed with us. Bad mom.
And now, I must tend to my stressed out husband who is texting like crazy over finances...ah the joy.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Hide your Beagles
Vick's an Eagle. I'm sorry, this is the absolute best quote of 2009.
I personally don't care what he did or didn't do. I just think that because of who he was, the "Law" went a tad overboard. As they did with Martha Stewart. Don't know her, don't have any type of emotion for her but...anyone else would have done what she supposedly did would have paid a freaking fine. End of story.
Anyway for Vick, it's over, he's done his time. Leave him alone.
And so...apparently, people will really have to live with him playing now as McNabb's broken his rib. It's almost as if Hollywood wrote this in! Fallen superstar comes back to mixed fan "appreciation" question is, will he have a happy ending and be the hero of the Season that makes all of his past mistakes forgiven by the great American public? Or will he crash and burn and be stoned even more than he has been for not being perfect? Stay tuned to CNN as I am sure they will have a whole story on it as "Breaking News" after the Superbowl.
Very, very curious to see how this turns out. Just because the way that people act, react and interact, fascinates me. And often drives me crazy, which in return, I am certain I do the same to many heh.
I personally don't care what he did or didn't do. I just think that because of who he was, the "Law" went a tad overboard. As they did with Martha Stewart. Don't know her, don't have any type of emotion for her but...anyone else would have done what she supposedly did would have paid a freaking fine. End of story.
Anyway for Vick, it's over, he's done his time. Leave him alone.
And so...apparently, people will really have to live with him playing now as McNabb's broken his rib. It's almost as if Hollywood wrote this in! Fallen superstar comes back to mixed fan "appreciation" question is, will he have a happy ending and be the hero of the Season that makes all of his past mistakes forgiven by the great American public? Or will he crash and burn and be stoned even more than he has been for not being perfect? Stay tuned to CNN as I am sure they will have a whole story on it as "Breaking News" after the Superbowl.
Very, very curious to see how this turns out. Just because the way that people act, react and interact, fascinates me. And often drives me crazy, which in return, I am certain I do the same to many heh.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Personal opinions do not = Gospel
Rather than spew all of my thoughts on a medium that is meant for entertainment and daily communication with friends/family, I've decided to post this in here. Will anyone read or comment? Who knows. Either way, I'm getting it off my chest which makes me special I'm sure.
I must admit that I have NOT chosen to read up on what Americans are whining about now in regards to their newly elected president. I've seen bits and pieces of parents pulling children out of school so that they will not witness President Obama's speech about education. That in itself...tells me that this act alone is proof of the LACK of education that should exist in our world.
People are screaming bloody murder and brainwashing attempts...let's see...if you shield your child from everything that you do not believe in or understand, is that not some type of brainwashing? "Believe and see only what I see fit as I am the parent and what I say is law" Nice.
This is not pornography, gratuitous violence or discrimination (Do you remember a little thing called Segragation?) which is always available and free on your CNN channel daily. This is a speech. Given by a president. A President who was elected by his "People".
What a backwards fucking way of thinking. There. I've said it. Thankfully, not eveyone in the US feels that Obama is the Anti-Christ. However, the tolerant comments are never the ones to stand out as they do not evoque any type of frustrating emotion inside of most people.
I was just asked why I care since I am in Canada.
I care because I've always cared about bullshit accusations and judgements thrown at people. I care because I am trying to raise a child in this crazy society to have balls but to also understand compassion and tolerance. To not be swayed by one's gender, colour or religion. So when I see people being ridiculed for what they believe in, yes, it does make me react. I've said it many times, you can't be a fucking idiot because you like grapefruit and I don't. Opinions are what they are. OPINIONS. And for you to share them, fine. But don't call me an idiot because I don't share yours and DON'T try to make me change my mind.
And now I've lost my train of thought as I am thouroughly disgusted and frustrated at how small minded and belittling people can be for no fucking reason.
If any one reading this feels targeted, DEAL WITH IT as I haven't pointed my finger at anyone in particular. A POST in particular has made me think yes, however, this is not the only thing that has triggered this rant that I am on. If you feel like this is aimed at you, then you need to find the reason as to why you feel this way. And do something about it. Something...POSITIVE.
I must admit that I have NOT chosen to read up on what Americans are whining about now in regards to their newly elected president. I've seen bits and pieces of parents pulling children out of school so that they will not witness President Obama's speech about education. That in itself...tells me that this act alone is proof of the LACK of education that should exist in our world.
People are screaming bloody murder and brainwashing attempts...let's see...if you shield your child from everything that you do not believe in or understand, is that not some type of brainwashing? "Believe and see only what I see fit as I am the parent and what I say is law" Nice.
This is not pornography, gratuitous violence or discrimination (Do you remember a little thing called Segragation?) which is always available and free on your CNN channel daily. This is a speech. Given by a president. A President who was elected by his "People".
What a backwards fucking way of thinking. There. I've said it. Thankfully, not eveyone in the US feels that Obama is the Anti-Christ. However, the tolerant comments are never the ones to stand out as they do not evoque any type of frustrating emotion inside of most people.
I was just asked why I care since I am in Canada.
I care because I've always cared about bullshit accusations and judgements thrown at people. I care because I am trying to raise a child in this crazy society to have balls but to also understand compassion and tolerance. To not be swayed by one's gender, colour or religion. So when I see people being ridiculed for what they believe in, yes, it does make me react. I've said it many times, you can't be a fucking idiot because you like grapefruit and I don't. Opinions are what they are. OPINIONS. And for you to share them, fine. But don't call me an idiot because I don't share yours and DON'T try to make me change my mind.
And now I've lost my train of thought as I am thouroughly disgusted and frustrated at how small minded and belittling people can be for no fucking reason.
If any one reading this feels targeted, DEAL WITH IT as I haven't pointed my finger at anyone in particular. A POST in particular has made me think yes, however, this is not the only thing that has triggered this rant that I am on. If you feel like this is aimed at you, then you need to find the reason as to why you feel this way. And do something about it. Something...POSITIVE.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Curious...
I'm playing around with Twitter as usual. If people only knew ::.Smirks:: and I'm watching some of the ridiculous shit on there. It kind of makes me sad to see people's true colours come out via this impersonal, invisible medium.
You've got "Stars" tweeting about their lives that they oh so need to keep "private". Some that just want to have fun and actually interact with fans and others who are there simply to show who they know and how chummy they all are.
It's great fun to wander around the Twitterverse and seeing how people react to you depending on what name you have. Disappointing at times yet not surprising.
On another note; I'm afraid to say it but...I think summer is actually here. :/ It's hot as hell! I miss the damn snow ha!
I've also been trying to upload these stupid drivers for my scanner since I have no idea where the hell the CD is (Shoved it somewhere during the move) and it's driving me up the fucking wall. Hubby is the only genius apparently who can do this even if I DID resolve the previous hardware issue. And they said artists couldn't be technical. Mmhhmm.
Hopefully the day tomorrow will be lovely. Out for a little party for the Princess and her little friend. Must stock up on sunscreen and probably ear plugs. Those 2 will be screetching all the way into the evening ;)
You've got "Stars" tweeting about their lives that they oh so need to keep "private". Some that just want to have fun and actually interact with fans and others who are there simply to show who they know and how chummy they all are.
It's great fun to wander around the Twitterverse and seeing how people react to you depending on what name you have. Disappointing at times yet not surprising.
On another note; I'm afraid to say it but...I think summer is actually here. :/ It's hot as hell! I miss the damn snow ha!
I've also been trying to upload these stupid drivers for my scanner since I have no idea where the hell the CD is (Shoved it somewhere during the move) and it's driving me up the fucking wall. Hubby is the only genius apparently who can do this even if I DID resolve the previous hardware issue. And they said artists couldn't be technical. Mmhhmm.
Hopefully the day tomorrow will be lovely. Out for a little party for the Princess and her little friend. Must stock up on sunscreen and probably ear plugs. Those 2 will be screetching all the way into the evening ;)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
No smart title here
I haven't blogged in quite some time. Many things happening. Some, remain the same.
Either way, I am still here. Searching for understanding. Fascinated with much. But my thoughts are so erratic, so tangled...Perhaps I will try this later.
Either way, I am still here. Searching for understanding. Fascinated with much. But my thoughts are so erratic, so tangled...Perhaps I will try this later.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Enough with the fear...(And a question)
This Swine Flu thing is just getting out of hand. Why do they feed so much on people's fear like this?? 2500 people a year die of Influenza in Canada alone.
When the whole SARS pandemic was going on, I flew my ass to China. This is almost like Y2K all over again. Everyone stop breathing, eating, living or you're going to die...
And of course, everyone is blaming well...everyone else. ::.Sigh::
On another topic, I'm watching something and I'm puzzled.
2 people adore each other, love each other. Then one day...poof. Gone. How does that happen? Do you truly ever stop loving someone? If you hate them, do you not love them in another sense? It's such a fine line...Indifference...that, is hell. For me anyway. Either way, how does it "Change"? and why?
Our children, we love them no matter what. No matter what. Correct? And even if some will say "Well, we create the children, they are a part of us" what of adopted children? I will adopt. And I will love that child no matter what. My blood? Nope. My child? You better fucking believe it. So...why does it change with lovers and spouses?
Perhaps I am stupid. I probably am.
When the whole SARS pandemic was going on, I flew my ass to China. This is almost like Y2K all over again. Everyone stop breathing, eating, living or you're going to die...
And of course, everyone is blaming well...everyone else. ::.Sigh::
On another topic, I'm watching something and I'm puzzled.
2 people adore each other, love each other. Then one day...poof. Gone. How does that happen? Do you truly ever stop loving someone? If you hate them, do you not love them in another sense? It's such a fine line...Indifference...that, is hell. For me anyway. Either way, how does it "Change"? and why?
Our children, we love them no matter what. No matter what. Correct? And even if some will say "Well, we create the children, they are a part of us" what of adopted children? I will adopt. And I will love that child no matter what. My blood? Nope. My child? You better fucking believe it. So...why does it change with lovers and spouses?
Perhaps I am stupid. I probably am.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
True or false and do explain your answer.
I wish to see both sides of the spectrum.
I wish to see both sides of the spectrum.
Annie Duke
First off, I am not a fan of "reality tv" I never was.
However.
One night, I still don't know how this happened, I tuned in to The Celebrity Apprentice. Jesse James, Joan and Melissa Rivers, Dennis Rodman...and Tboz...TBOZ!! (I love love love her) We have been hooked ever since.
From the first show I watched, Annie Duke was someone that I disliked. This "Champion" of poker who has only one bracelet, thinks so poorly of herself that she is reduced to fucking around with people's minds and trying to crush them at any cost. All with the excuse of this game being for charity therefore, she MUST win.
I'm very, very surprised to see that this person left presenting her phd one month before it's time to go pursue...poker. But hey, whatever floats your boat. Shit I'm surprised she even had a masters. I digress.
So we're watching the show last night. And I swear, this chick is going on about how amazing she is blablabla. Then, Brandi-Payboy bimbo-is put on the spot. The Donald is all "Well you're beautiful, do you think it's easier for you to get what you want blablabla" she is all, nooo, I have to prove that I am smart all the time because everyone assumes that I'm not-boo hoo, weep, weep. And then..."Brandi, why did you not forgo (I forget what was said after)" and a blubbering Brandi goes "But I forego..ooo--uh..ed..." ::.Bites lip:: Yes honey, you are very intelligent and got to where you are on your brains only ::.Bends over to read that brand on those knee pads. WHAT...I want to be....fashionable!!::
ANYWAY.
So Melissa Rivers is voted off, she goes on a hysterical rampage. Joan gets all pissed off and gets into her own hysterics and the show is over.
BTW, don't you think that Clint Black looks like George W Bush?-End of random thought-
So this Duke chick is all "I'm so great, I'm wonderful, I did everything." I'm sitting there thinking...you poor woman. You feel so badly about yourself that you are reduced to this. To being a two faced bitch on some "celebrity" game show trying to prove to the world that you're worth more than what you yourself believe. Well, you are a poker player. But it looks like you are just so whipped at home, that all of a sudden you see some type of opening to power and go nuts with it. Lying and cheating. Nice example for your 4 children.
The point is, S and I were arguying about the show, which was actually pretty humorous when you think about it, for about 30 minutes afterwards.
As a side note, I must say, congrats to Ivanka and Donnie Jr's. parents. Those 2 seem like very well rounded, intelligent and EDUCATED people. Unlike Paris Hilton and other rich kids, these 2 really, really seem to have heads on their shoulders. Kudos to the Trumps...or their nannies.
However.
One night, I still don't know how this happened, I tuned in to The Celebrity Apprentice. Jesse James, Joan and Melissa Rivers, Dennis Rodman...and Tboz...TBOZ!! (I love love love her) We have been hooked ever since.
From the first show I watched, Annie Duke was someone that I disliked. This "Champion" of poker who has only one bracelet, thinks so poorly of herself that she is reduced to fucking around with people's minds and trying to crush them at any cost. All with the excuse of this game being for charity therefore, she MUST win.
I'm very, very surprised to see that this person left presenting her phd one month before it's time to go pursue...poker. But hey, whatever floats your boat. Shit I'm surprised she even had a masters. I digress.
So we're watching the show last night. And I swear, this chick is going on about how amazing she is blablabla. Then, Brandi-Payboy bimbo-is put on the spot. The Donald is all "Well you're beautiful, do you think it's easier for you to get what you want blablabla" she is all, nooo, I have to prove that I am smart all the time because everyone assumes that I'm not-boo hoo, weep, weep. And then..."Brandi, why did you not forgo (I forget what was said after)" and a blubbering Brandi goes "But I forego..ooo--uh..ed..." ::.Bites lip:: Yes honey, you are very intelligent and got to where you are on your brains only ::.Bends over to read that brand on those knee pads. WHAT...I want to be....fashionable!!::
ANYWAY.
So Melissa Rivers is voted off, she goes on a hysterical rampage. Joan gets all pissed off and gets into her own hysterics and the show is over.
BTW, don't you think that Clint Black looks like George W Bush?-End of random thought-
So this Duke chick is all "I'm so great, I'm wonderful, I did everything." I'm sitting there thinking...you poor woman. You feel so badly about yourself that you are reduced to this. To being a two faced bitch on some "celebrity" game show trying to prove to the world that you're worth more than what you yourself believe. Well, you are a poker player. But it looks like you are just so whipped at home, that all of a sudden you see some type of opening to power and go nuts with it. Lying and cheating. Nice example for your 4 children.
The point is, S and I were arguying about the show, which was actually pretty humorous when you think about it, for about 30 minutes afterwards.
As a side note, I must say, congrats to Ivanka and Donnie Jr's. parents. Those 2 seem like very well rounded, intelligent and EDUCATED people. Unlike Paris Hilton and other rich kids, these 2 really, really seem to have heads on their shoulders. Kudos to the Trumps...or their nannies.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Pain
I've endured all types of pain since I was a child.
Physical was never an issue as I grew cold and insensitive to it very quickly, not by choice.
But today, for the first time in...I can't remember really, I seriously thought that I would die. Or throw up which equals death for me. Emetophobia yes. Phobia #3 in most common phobias.
Anyway. Death scares me. Scares the shit out of me. Is it because it is something that I have no control over? That is for another therapy session.
I can't believe in nothingness. I don't want to. When I was a child, I would make myself sick trying to "pretend that I do not exist". So I take the pain instead. And some Tylenol 3 that are kicking my ass to no end.
Yesterday, a man started to tell me how much God loves me. How important I am to the world. That I am worth something. Everything. And I wept. Because I feel none of it. Maybe I fear it. I wish I could make it all tangible. Maybe then, I would understand or believe it.
Physical was never an issue as I grew cold and insensitive to it very quickly, not by choice.
But today, for the first time in...I can't remember really, I seriously thought that I would die. Or throw up which equals death for me. Emetophobia yes. Phobia #3 in most common phobias.
Anyway. Death scares me. Scares the shit out of me. Is it because it is something that I have no control over? That is for another therapy session.
I can't believe in nothingness. I don't want to. When I was a child, I would make myself sick trying to "pretend that I do not exist". So I take the pain instead. And some Tylenol 3 that are kicking my ass to no end.
Yesterday, a man started to tell me how much God loves me. How important I am to the world. That I am worth something. Everything. And I wept. Because I feel none of it. Maybe I fear it. I wish I could make it all tangible. Maybe then, I would understand or believe it.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Perez Hilton. Again
First. I wish no ill will to anyone. Ever.
Except maybe child killers/molesters but that's another story.
Perez Hilton is (Please forgive my coming outburt) a fucking asshole.
You know, it's fine, he wants to laugh at celebrities because he cannot be anything else than some dumb shit on the outside looking in. Fine. Fine. Whatever. I'm still annoyed at the whole "Kate Moss is FAT" crap and him laughing at Lindsay Lohan egging her on to kill herself (I am a fan of neither but I mean come on...)
But today, the prick puts up a video of a mentally challenged girl, singing one of her favourite songs and laughs about it. For everyone to see!
I know, some will say "Well...she put it on the web so it's her fault"
Putting it online is one thing. Probably just for her, her friends, family, whatever. But I mean...this guy gets how many hits a day??
Urgh!! I don't believe in violence but I'd love to pop him in the face a few times.
Ok I need to shut up now before I really say something I will regret.
Except maybe child killers/molesters but that's another story.
Perez Hilton is (Please forgive my coming outburt) a fucking asshole.
You know, it's fine, he wants to laugh at celebrities because he cannot be anything else than some dumb shit on the outside looking in. Fine. Fine. Whatever. I'm still annoyed at the whole "Kate Moss is FAT" crap and him laughing at Lindsay Lohan egging her on to kill herself (I am a fan of neither but I mean come on...)
But today, the prick puts up a video of a mentally challenged girl, singing one of her favourite songs and laughs about it. For everyone to see!
I know, some will say "Well...she put it on the web so it's her fault"
Putting it online is one thing. Probably just for her, her friends, family, whatever. But I mean...this guy gets how many hits a day??
Urgh!! I don't believe in violence but I'd love to pop him in the face a few times.
Ok I need to shut up now before I really say something I will regret.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
True Talent
Alright.
Those of you who know me (Indeed, I need to actually POST this link on my shit don't I. And I have to give that shit for people to read haha oi) know that I can't listen to Whitney Houston because of my damn perfect pitch.
I can't listen to uhm...well alot of people especially all the pop stuff.
Here is a musician. A real one. No protools, no offkey ear bleeding shit.
I posted about Novel a while ago (Here, twit-I need to send this to people I know-Facebook, myspace) can you tell that he is my favourite musical discovery this year? I think I'm more excited about him than I was about Poe. I said no to David Usher to record some tracks but for Novel? ANY day. Too bad the cello isn't used much in his style of music. ::.Smirk::
http://tinyurl.com/dh3w39
Listen and love it.
www.myspace.com/novel
Those of you who know me (Indeed, I need to actually POST this link on my shit don't I. And I have to give that shit for people to read haha oi) know that I can't listen to Whitney Houston because of my damn perfect pitch.
I can't listen to uhm...well alot of people especially all the pop stuff.
Here is a musician. A real one. No protools, no offkey ear bleeding shit.
I posted about Novel a while ago (Here, twit-I need to send this to people I know-Facebook, myspace) can you tell that he is my favourite musical discovery this year? I think I'm more excited about him than I was about Poe. I said no to David Usher to record some tracks but for Novel? ANY day. Too bad the cello isn't used much in his style of music. ::.Smirk::
http://tinyurl.com/dh3w39
Listen and love it.
www.myspace.com/novel
Ramble
Poor T is sick. Again. There is nothing worse than seeing your child sick and knowing that there is nothing you can do to soothe her/him.
T on the other hand, is running around like a maniac and singing her heart out. Tonight will be long however. I have a feeling her highness will end up in my bed again.
So there is this documentary coming on Discovery Health called "I didn't know I was pregnant"
This absolutely boggles my mind.
Though I was blessed with only nausea and no morning sickness, the entire time I was pregnant, I was very much aware of it. Actually, I knew before the test told me and it had nothing to do with counting Ovulations and late days.
I don't care how fat (It appears to occur mostly in overweight women) dude...that's a human inside of you. "I just thought it was bad gas" WTF have YOU been eating?? The lack of a normal cycle should also tell you something...no??
I know that I am not qualified to judge anyone but Jesus...
All of this "reality" show shit is getting on my nerves. I get laughed at for watching Nascar as it is considered a "redneck" event. Uhm. Alright. And what do you think that crap is?
I've also come to a conclusion. Nascar is like non classical-instrumental music. F1 people (Now, now, chillax, I'm not saying ALL of them) remind me of the wannabes who go to the symphony. Walking around trying to sound intelligent and holier than thou for being at the symphony and NOT at a Kid Rock concert (Have you ever heard him in an interview? He's actually very, very interesting) Or lets say...Alice Cooper. The man is brilliant. Do I think his music is amazing?? No. But he certainly is brilliant.
Angele Dubeau?? God what a fucking twit. Master Starker had asked me to sit in on a master class of hers as I would be able to greet her in french. Even though I'm a cellist and not a violinist, there were certainly many things that I could learn. Right??
Ooof...one of the first things that came out of her mouth to a student was "How can you not enjoy Stravinsky? You have no class and no taste" Wtf?? Music is subjective!! That's the whole POINT. She could tell me that Beethoven's 9th, 3rd movement, 5th measure starts with an F# but she couldn't name one Johnny Cash song. Aren't you supposed to be interested in ALL music?? You don't have to like it but you should be aware of it...no??
Back to racing;
I hear "Nascar is just about driving around in circles. It's stupid and boring."
Hmmm...and for the past 10 years, F1 has been about Schumacher winning...everything. Boring.
There actually IS a strategy to Nascar. And I'm sorry but just trying to understand the drivers and the commentators with their accents is worth it ::.Smirk::
Why am I saying all of this? Not sure. I'm still trying to finish up my first panel for the first webcast in June. So far, Mr. Kenny Wallace (I love you man)will be there, nascar.com writer, 2 lovely gentlemen from one of the major sports networks and the boys.
Have to reach Jason (Ex NFL player) and a few music industry peeps who owe mama some favours. But I'm excited :)
T on the other hand, is running around like a maniac and singing her heart out. Tonight will be long however. I have a feeling her highness will end up in my bed again.
So there is this documentary coming on Discovery Health called "I didn't know I was pregnant"
This absolutely boggles my mind.
Though I was blessed with only nausea and no morning sickness, the entire time I was pregnant, I was very much aware of it. Actually, I knew before the test told me and it had nothing to do with counting Ovulations and late days.
I don't care how fat (It appears to occur mostly in overweight women) dude...that's a human inside of you. "I just thought it was bad gas" WTF have YOU been eating?? The lack of a normal cycle should also tell you something...no??
I know that I am not qualified to judge anyone but Jesus...
All of this "reality" show shit is getting on my nerves. I get laughed at for watching Nascar as it is considered a "redneck" event. Uhm. Alright. And what do you think that crap is?
I've also come to a conclusion. Nascar is like non classical-instrumental music. F1 people (Now, now, chillax, I'm not saying ALL of them) remind me of the wannabes who go to the symphony. Walking around trying to sound intelligent and holier than thou for being at the symphony and NOT at a Kid Rock concert (Have you ever heard him in an interview? He's actually very, very interesting) Or lets say...Alice Cooper. The man is brilliant. Do I think his music is amazing?? No. But he certainly is brilliant.
Angele Dubeau?? God what a fucking twit. Master Starker had asked me to sit in on a master class of hers as I would be able to greet her in french. Even though I'm a cellist and not a violinist, there were certainly many things that I could learn. Right??
Ooof...one of the first things that came out of her mouth to a student was "How can you not enjoy Stravinsky? You have no class and no taste" Wtf?? Music is subjective!! That's the whole POINT. She could tell me that Beethoven's 9th, 3rd movement, 5th measure starts with an F# but she couldn't name one Johnny Cash song. Aren't you supposed to be interested in ALL music?? You don't have to like it but you should be aware of it...no??
Back to racing;
I hear "Nascar is just about driving around in circles. It's stupid and boring."
Hmmm...and for the past 10 years, F1 has been about Schumacher winning...everything. Boring.
There actually IS a strategy to Nascar. And I'm sorry but just trying to understand the drivers and the commentators with their accents is worth it ::.Smirk::
Why am I saying all of this? Not sure. I'm still trying to finish up my first panel for the first webcast in June. So far, Mr. Kenny Wallace (I love you man)will be there, nascar.com writer, 2 lovely gentlemen from one of the major sports networks and the boys.
Have to reach Jason (Ex NFL player) and a few music industry peeps who owe mama some favours. But I'm excited :)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I've changed my mind on the number of races on this planet
There are 2.
The human race.
The fucktard race.
::.Grins:: Admit it. You like the word fucktard just as much as I do.
The human race.
The fucktard race.
::.Grins:: Admit it. You like the word fucktard just as much as I do.
Pop Quiz
If I told you who I really am. That I am famous, infamous, invisible, or alien.
Would my voice have more weight??
Why would it? Why would it not?
Would my voice have more weight??
Why would it? Why would it not?
Legacy
You work your entire life to leave your children a legacy. Save up your pennies, invest in all types of enterprises.
Yet the legacy that you leave ARE your children.
Spend less time trying to make that million and spend more time adoring your children. Teach them to be good and fair. That...is one hell of a legacy to leave.
Cold hard cash vs a beautiful, true soul. Choice is easy isn't it??
Yet the legacy that you leave ARE your children.
Spend less time trying to make that million and spend more time adoring your children. Teach them to be good and fair. That...is one hell of a legacy to leave.
Cold hard cash vs a beautiful, true soul. Choice is easy isn't it??
Friday, April 3, 2009
Music...
How I've missed you.
Novel. Not your usual Elitist, Bach loving snotty crap you would normally hear me talking about right? I prefer Chopin but you get what I mean.
This man. Mmm. I pray, I seriously pray that he is not a product of protooling. That remains to be seen. But in the meantime, here is a baby Tupac/Jamiroquai/Old soul taste of what is yet to come. I can't wait for the EP.
http://www.noveltheartist.com/
And now back to Seal and the Soul album.
No one is reading but one day, I will come back and laugh I am sure.
Novel. Not your usual Elitist, Bach loving snotty crap you would normally hear me talking about right? I prefer Chopin but you get what I mean.
This man. Mmm. I pray, I seriously pray that he is not a product of protooling. That remains to be seen. But in the meantime, here is a baby Tupac/Jamiroquai/Old soul taste of what is yet to come. I can't wait for the EP.
http://www.noveltheartist.com/
And now back to Seal and the Soul album.
No one is reading but one day, I will come back and laugh I am sure.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Perez Hilton
So.
Perez Hilton is some wannabe "Queen of media" who somehow gets paid to blog and appear Cool.
Yet all I see is some nobody living out his frustration on celebrities in a very public forum.
How does one get this? Why don't actual "normal-er" people get to do what he does and make ridiculous money? Wait, I take that back. Never, ever could I do what he does. I think that when I saw him post that Kate Moss was looking fat, any tiny amount of MAYBE respect left I had for him vanished.
Is THAT the message our generation wants to pass on to girls and young women? Jesus. I'd LOVE to be "Fat" like Kate!! And I'm not a fan of hers. She actually leaves me rather indifferent but come on. FAT??
He just basically goes around calling people names, spewing shit about people he's probably never met. AND. Getting money for it. Wtf??
Again, in no way am I qualified to judge anyone. And I don't know this person but it still irks the crap out of me to see this type of behaviour rewarded and encouraged.
If you were in the public light, would you not want to use every ounce of your "celebrity" to do GOOD??
Perez Hilton is some wannabe "Queen of media" who somehow gets paid to blog and appear Cool.
Yet all I see is some nobody living out his frustration on celebrities in a very public forum.
How does one get this? Why don't actual "normal-er" people get to do what he does and make ridiculous money? Wait, I take that back. Never, ever could I do what he does. I think that when I saw him post that Kate Moss was looking fat, any tiny amount of MAYBE respect left I had for him vanished.
Is THAT the message our generation wants to pass on to girls and young women? Jesus. I'd LOVE to be "Fat" like Kate!! And I'm not a fan of hers. She actually leaves me rather indifferent but come on. FAT??
He just basically goes around calling people names, spewing shit about people he's probably never met. AND. Getting money for it. Wtf??
Again, in no way am I qualified to judge anyone. And I don't know this person but it still irks the crap out of me to see this type of behaviour rewarded and encouraged.
If you were in the public light, would you not want to use every ounce of your "celebrity" to do GOOD??
Mr. Jesse James
Wow.
People think he's just some bum turned rich. Totally not.
I love this man.
The end.
People think he's just some bum turned rich. Totally not.
I love this man.
The end.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
"Imported" citizens
I was out with my sister in law who is from small-town-small-minded Quebec. Of course, this poor woman has never seen so many different cultures reunited in one place at one time. This is Toronto. Where there is no minority and no majority. And of course, she said it "Damn imports". I would have liked to slap her however, violence isn't my forte.
There is nothing more ignorant that hearing someone say "I'm pure Canadian/American" Oh really?? So you are from pure native descent then?? A long pause then "Well uhh...no" precisely. Therefore, you aren't pure anything. You're just as "Imported" as the other guy you dumb fuck. Your people crossed the pond, participated in genocide and decided to claim a country that wasn't theirs. So you need to get over yourself.
That being said.
This country (Canada) was founded by caucasian christians. For hundreds of years, this was 99.9% of the population here. So let's use an example.
First off, I believe in only 1 race. That would be the human one. Extra terrestrials are beyond my comprehension therefore, I will only keep it at 1 race. Don't get me wrong, in no way am I arrogant enough to believe that we are the only planet with "Intelligent life" but you get the picture.
So. As I was saying. 1 race. Many, many different beliefs and customs. I don't care if you're a polka dotted neutre, if you're a good person, that's all I care about. However. As mentionned above, this was always a primarily caucasian, christian country. So for me to start wishing people "Happy Holidays" because I am Not ALLOWED to say anything else, for example, within government offices, really , really irks me. If I say, Happy Hannukah, that insults no one. But dare I say Merry Christmas...well shit, that's just wrong!!
My RCMP friend is not allowed to wear a chain with a cross as it is not a part of the uniform yet another officer may wear a turban for "religious" reasons. Hmmm...what??
Women need to be equal (I am a woman) blablabla. So because of this, my safety is at stake since the police department MUST hire a certain amount of women. Another above average male will be passed up due to a female who took a different physical exam than a male HAD to be hired to be equal.
Absolute shit.
If you have a choice between the best heart surgeon to operate on YOU, but are left to take a lesser qualified female Dr. due to quota rules, will you not scream your head off and threaten legal action??
It is what it is. It's bullshit.
And now, I am off to watch the Leafs get massacred. Why?? Why do I even hope for some type of good hockey??
Because
I
Am
Canadian-french-scottish-spanish-and oh yes. Human.
Care to discuss??
There is nothing more ignorant that hearing someone say "I'm pure Canadian/American" Oh really?? So you are from pure native descent then?? A long pause then "Well uhh...no" precisely. Therefore, you aren't pure anything. You're just as "Imported" as the other guy you dumb fuck. Your people crossed the pond, participated in genocide and decided to claim a country that wasn't theirs. So you need to get over yourself.
That being said.
This country (Canada) was founded by caucasian christians. For hundreds of years, this was 99.9% of the population here. So let's use an example.
First off, I believe in only 1 race. That would be the human one. Extra terrestrials are beyond my comprehension therefore, I will only keep it at 1 race. Don't get me wrong, in no way am I arrogant enough to believe that we are the only planet with "Intelligent life" but you get the picture.
So. As I was saying. 1 race. Many, many different beliefs and customs. I don't care if you're a polka dotted neutre, if you're a good person, that's all I care about. However. As mentionned above, this was always a primarily caucasian, christian country. So for me to start wishing people "Happy Holidays" because I am Not ALLOWED to say anything else, for example, within government offices, really , really irks me. If I say, Happy Hannukah, that insults no one. But dare I say Merry Christmas...well shit, that's just wrong!!
My RCMP friend is not allowed to wear a chain with a cross as it is not a part of the uniform yet another officer may wear a turban for "religious" reasons. Hmmm...what??
Women need to be equal (I am a woman) blablabla. So because of this, my safety is at stake since the police department MUST hire a certain amount of women. Another above average male will be passed up due to a female who took a different physical exam than a male HAD to be hired to be equal.
Absolute shit.
If you have a choice between the best heart surgeon to operate on YOU, but are left to take a lesser qualified female Dr. due to quota rules, will you not scream your head off and threaten legal action??
It is what it is. It's bullshit.
And now, I am off to watch the Leafs get massacred. Why?? Why do I even hope for some type of good hockey??
Because
I
Am
Canadian-french-scottish-spanish-and oh yes. Human.
Care to discuss??
Friday, March 27, 2009
First
I have often wondered how average bloggers get noticed. Get "read".
So many come to this outlet, the internet, for answers, for a voice that is silent to be read.
I doubt that many will read. And if they do, they will most likely lurk and go about their merry way.
In here, I will ask, I will speak and I will just, be.
If you agree, if you disagree, I would love to know. I think that being ignored, being overlooked is worse than hatred. At least when you are hated, you invoke some type of sentiment. But when you are ignored, the need for acknowledgement is crushed. Do we not all long to be acknowledged? Do we not all long to have some importance in the world?
I am not mother Theresa. Nor could I ever aspire to be. I am much too needy, greedy and human. But I do wish to change the world in some way. May it be by making someone smile once, or think.
What are your aspirations?
So many come to this outlet, the internet, for answers, for a voice that is silent to be read.
I doubt that many will read. And if they do, they will most likely lurk and go about their merry way.
In here, I will ask, I will speak and I will just, be.
If you agree, if you disagree, I would love to know. I think that being ignored, being overlooked is worse than hatred. At least when you are hated, you invoke some type of sentiment. But when you are ignored, the need for acknowledgement is crushed. Do we not all long to be acknowledged? Do we not all long to have some importance in the world?
I am not mother Theresa. Nor could I ever aspire to be. I am much too needy, greedy and human. But I do wish to change the world in some way. May it be by making someone smile once, or think.
What are your aspirations?
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