Mommy Catch 22

As a working mother, there are times where I think to myself; "My God can I just have ONE hour of time to myself with no one to think about?" I doubt that I am the only one in this situation. Longing for the ability to go pee without a cute faced toddler saying "Mamaaaaaaaa are you doneeeee" as you see the bathroom door handle being rocked back and forth slowly, little fingers on the other side gripping it in anticipation.

My daughter has been gone for less than 48 hours to visit with her Mamie and Papi (with her father) and I am climbing the walls not knowing what to do with myself.

My mind is even more swept up in thoughts and worries, hoping that they are feeding her well, that she is enjoying herself, that she is sleeping adequately. Because we all know that grandparents have no idea how to take care of children... ::.Smirk::

So while I should be relaxing and taking time to myself, I am antsy and counting the days until I make my departure to meet up with my gorgeous angel...

A mom's work/happiness is never done is it ;)

2010

Sometimes, I forget that I have a blog. Or I post and don't share. Depends on my mood ;)

This year has certainly been interesting. Bad? Good? Neutral? I haven't decided yet.

I do know that I am very blessed. Especially where my daughter is concerned. She's blossomed into such a delicious little lady. She's only 4, and I tend to forget that at times, but she has the soul of an old sage woman, with eyes that pierce the soul and a touch that soothes the spirit. My gorgeous reason. I don't deserve her. But I certainly adore her.

Letting her go, sending her off to junior K was very hard for me. And unfortunately, she has been quite sick which has been said to be "normal" though always unnerving for a Maman.

I think that part of the depression I went through (There, I've said it.) this fall was the fear of letting her go. I never, ever thought that I would be like this. Not with a child, not with anyone. The thought of any harm coming to her, any loneliness...physically makes me sick. At times, I think that I have gone mad. That no other mother can be this ridiculous. But. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by other mothers who know that this madness is quite...normal.

I've made a few connections which have become rather precious to me. M being one of them. He is a true cheerleader and is someone who tends to know just how to sift through the dark corners of my mind. Never judging, usually more than aware of how it "Feels" and always, always caring. I love him dearly and I look forward to helping him on his quest for his new series tackling mental illness as well as his book. It's become rather amusing to watch him on tv and knowing what was going through his mind during the show and touching at times as well, when I've known he was struggling and no one else did because he had let me in and shared his deepest thoughts at that time. Something that I appreciate immensely.

I've learned that you can buy a brand new vehicle, an automatic no less, and blow the tranny within 20 days of purchase. And they all thought I'd kill the ones on the manuals. So there.

I am dreading the next month as my mother starts her own journey far from here. Though I will never tell her this as her guilt is consuming enough, I will have a hard time knowing that she is so far. But in the end, her happiness is all that I want. We can visit.

I've let myself come out from under my mask(s) somewhat yet still feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. I am still working on finding my way and learning not to self loathe as I would despise myself for passing this trait on to T. She is so blissful...I never want her to have the feelings that I have for myself.

This coming year...I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't believe in resolutions. They only add pressure. I want to make a difference. The most that I can.

3 1/2

It is March and there are 5 months left until T starts school. She won't even be 4 by the time she goes in. A month she but still...the thought of it brings extreme nausea to me, thoughts/images of her trying to run to keep up with the others, falling on asphalt, being pushed down stairs, bullied. My fuck. Grammar school was such hell for me. I know that it sounds petty, but at least T is beautiful. Unlike I was-am.

Who will help her eat her lunch, go to the washroom, pick her up when she falls. If we wait another year, it will only prolong the process and she will be late compared to the others. She is already dying to be challenged, another year at daycare...not so good.

I never thought I'd be such a freaking wuss ::.Sigh:: I can't keep her in a bubble forever. Or can I?? Why am I this crazy when it comes to her??

"Famous"

Ah I am back to playing on Twitter and I've gotten bored already. These "Stars" can't be bothered with their fans. They rarely tweet back to them. I can just imagine the response if the account tweeting them said Celine Dion or something. (Shut up, I'm Canadian and she can SING Hah!!)

And now...I'm bored with Twitter.

I have another guilty little pleasure that I will not keep a secret. Justin Bieber. Yep. Little angel voice/face that is reserved for screaming tweens who all believe that they will someday make a connection with him and have songs written about and for them. His voice has yet to change and I am curious as to what will come of him when it happens however, my perfect pitch has yet to flinch when I hear him live. That, never goes away. Unless he becomes deaf but I digress. He is young. Very young. And one of Diddy's babies. That alone scares me. I have seen the ugly of this business. That is apart from the drugs, alcohol, addictions and all the rest of the shit that comes with. The exhaustion, loss of self respect and self love...self awareness. Such talented people have been destroyed by the need of greatness. MJ adored his fans and they worshipped him...but the business killed him. And he was brilliant.

Oh my fuck...watching the new We are the world...They put MJ in and Wyclef is singing Creole. Delish Delish Delish!! Forgive me...I have completely lost my train of thought.

Anyway...this is a great opportunity for the US to realize that we actually exist. It was nice to see them speak of how we were the first to storm the beaches of Normandy, that we were the first in WWI, II and pretty much every war that has plagued our kind since colonization here. That we have electricity and not only communicate by smoke signs and drawings in the snow-Snow that is non existent this year...

This new year has started out with quite a few challenges. T finally got over an ear infection and Scarlet Fever (I thought that illness had died out in the 40's-That's my girl, get whatever disease that no one gets) last week and...her nose is runny yet again. Her adaptation to daycare has gone much better than I had anticipated and we have enrolled her in school even though the thought of leaving her alone to fend for herself out there makes me want to throw up.

Work has started and I must say, I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me.

My cello has been screaming at me from it's current position in it's case and I feel the urge to play more each day. Even the piano has been somewhat dusted. The darkness that was suffocating me seems to be less opaque. I pray that it keeps going this way.

Now, back to the opening ceremonies, my fireplace and some hopefully awing moments.

More later.

Respect

Rush Limbaugh went on the record to insinuate that President Obama had Caused the Haiti earthquake for his own benefit...People like that deny 9/11 was an act of it's own government, apparently, a president can now cause natural disasters. When President Kennedy was elected, a husband and wife in HI lost their election. When he visited HI shortly before his death, this same couple stood for hours to salute the President as it was an honour for them to do so. When he was killed, they wept. What happened to that type of Patriotism and respect? I hope Limbaugh chokes on the next pills he wolfs down. Idiot.

Whether or not you support the leader that was elected, I still believe that you should show him/her respect. CNN anchors call the President, Mr. Obama...excuse me, you still call Nixon, Former President. What a ridiculous and backwards way of thinking (Back to Limbaugh) He was one of the obsessed over President Clinton's "Scandal" and was pleading for him impeachment over some "Stain" on a stupid Gap dress.

Who cares!! He was running the country better than most who have been in his position. Lord knows if Chrétien had been caught for having sex, Canada would have cheered him...and felt bad for the chick he was doing as well...he is not so attractive. Either way, no one would have cared.

What happened to the "Patriotism" that keeps being shoved in everyone's faces all the time? Really. If you don't like your President, fine, but seriously, don't be a dick and make ridiculous statements such as the ones Limbaugh made. Or is respect something that you have to buy now too?

Hard

This morning, I dropped T off to daycare for the second day in a row. (This, after fighting with her for 15 minutes before leaving the house as she was hysterical and refusing to put on her coat/hat/mittens/boots)

In the car, she was doing better but once we turned the corner, she started again. When I left the babysitter's, I could hear her howling through the door "Mama don't leave me". People are telling me to "Get over it" and that it's not that big a deal. For me it is. I've never had to leave her with a stranger. And she's never done anything like this before. T doesn't have tantrums. She has objections and frustrations, fine, but all out screaming? Never.

I am starting to feel more angry about being dumped by my former job however, I am glad that I am no longer working for someone like my former boss. This is just really shitty. Monday, I start a job that I took out of necessity, less money, a more Jr. role, farther than I had wanted. Apparently, this is a wonderful place (this was said by someone outside of the hiring party and recruiter) so who knows, maybe I will end up liking it. It's just...not how I wanted things to happen. I loathe not having any control over situations.

Tita was an alternative that worked best at the time. The past year however, she seemed to be disinterested, motivated by money only and well, after hearing of her lack of attention for T from another caregiver (T goes to a little play place weekly and the owner approached me about it) and her pushing for me to guarantee her that I would be hired by Jan. 4th, I wasn't really left any choice than to find alternative care for T. Plus, I can't afford Tita anymore. Half my freaking paycheck seemed to be going to her.

I keep expecting the phone to ring to hear T's new caregiver ask me to come pick her up or say that she just can't handle her.

This sucks.

2010

I haven't written in some time. The holidays have been crazy.

I have started to feel the way that I did when T was first born and my PPD was kicking in. The weekend is starting and I'm anxious of S going to work on Monday because I will be alone with T and I don't know what to do exactly. It's ridiculous when you think about it because she is 3, I've spent countless days with her. But I don't know...I'm not working, my depression is still very much there and I just feel very nervous most of the time.

T is wonderful but she needs to be busy and entertained. 24/7. Sometimes, I just don't know what more I am supposed to do with her. Tita is not coming back-I'm not entirely devastated-and I've found a place for T for when I do go back to work. Now I just need to actually GET a job.

I was outside tonight wondering; Am I always going to feel like this? Numb, Sad, Tired, Unsure. Is this what my life is meant to be? Will I always be dealing with depression? What MORE am I supposed to be doing? I just want it overwith. I want this chemical shit gone from my brain. I can't change what's made me crazy. I know this. So why can't I just be better?

I don't want another year like 2009. I want to be ok. I want to be good. And on the other hand, I just want to hide in bed for months and never come out.