Speechless

Today started off quietly, running out for some errands with my inlaws and T. We bought S his xmas present (His parents) did some groceries and came home. 10 minutes after we arrived, my sister in law called and asked where my inlaws' car was. "S has it...what do you mean??" and there she was, parked outside of my house! They came to visit as a surprise! I hadn't seen my nephew since his birth 5 months ago. I think we must have looked like an Extreme Makeover family running out of the house, screaming with joy.

We had a wonderful time with them. T and my nephew took to each other quickly which was so nice. Had a delicious dinner, kids put to bed, just S, my mother and father in law and I up, chilling.

I got this message on my msn from the girl who had been babysitting T while Tita is away.

Drama.

Apparently, she had called today-sorry but...we are currently 8 people in the house, I never got the phone call or message and to be quite honest, my head is so filled with my sweet nephew right now that I haven't thought of much else. Ho.Ly.Crap.

I am a horrible person who thinks only of herself, who is selfish and judges others. I am also hurting T by not letting her take her to spend time with her after she said all of these and more vile things to me. I'm sorry, you want to tell me that I'm a self-centered bitch then take my child to hang out with?? Am I crazy?? Should I just say oh heehee no problem, be disrespectful and cruel 2 days in a row and take my child, NO PROBLEM.

After so much of her crap, I said goodbye and blocked her on msn. I am done. You do NOT use my child against me and expect me to say it's all ok.

And now, apparently, it is wrong that I speak about this on my blog. Whatever. Shut up Andi, stop being so self-centered and just forget any of what you're feeling.

It's now a few hours later and S and I had a huge blow out. It was wonderful. Very cool with all these people in the house as well. He doesn't understand why I "Let" shit like this get to me. I tried to explain that I don't do it for leisure since well...it doesn't entertain me much. It just gets to me. It affects me. Especially when my nerves are this raw. I tried to explain that this is part of depression. "What do you mean depression?" Wtf?? Hello, why do you think I'm seeing a shrink and had my meds upped??!! Seriously?? ::.Shakes head:: I don't really have any words actually. If he can't even comprehend that I was diagnosed with depression....then I have no clue where to go from here.

Tonight, I really wanted to grab my shit and go. I don't know where really. Maybe a hotel even. I didn't think of bringing T. I just want out. I want him to deal with everything on his own. Without me. So many things ran through my mind. They still are. Then, I came to a really sad realization (It's ok, I was already crying)

I pictured myself asking him; When was the last time you bought me flowers for no reason or any reason? When was the last time that you stopped and thought, hmmm...Andi would love this....(Dude...I got him a fuckin Slap Chop because he was so obsessed with it, just for the heck of it) when was the last time you cooked a meal just for me that you knew that I love and then I thought...shit...does he even know what my favourite meal is?? I don't even think he does...and it's a horrible thing to think about.

I don't want to see him or talk to him. I just want to be left alone. Yet, I've been so incredibly lonely that it's made me even more anxious. Maybe I should go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't know. I just want things to stop. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want the anxiety to go away and I want this gaping hole in my heart to stop hurting physically.

The most that I want, is to say that I am sorry. For being self-centered and selfish. Because apparently, that's what I am (S did NOT say this so let's not kill him yet). It's so confusing...shrink says "talk, write your feelings but don't keep it in" then I do and I "Shouldn't" let it get to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...

Reliable

While Tita is away, I found someone to care for T (Mostly the first 2 wks since my inlaws couldn't come sooner but then I was canned from work) and this person, who is very, very good with T, has a few issues. Keeping appointments is one of them. It has happened more than once where she has changed babysitting times on me. She would be scheduled for 11 but then at the last minute would say, oh I have to come later, I don't feel good. Things like that.

She pushed and pushed this week for me to give her some time (I thought that I would be back in work by now and would be able to give my inlaws a break once in a while but the fact of the matter is, I haven't found a job and money is...non existant) however, I agreed and gave her some hours.

Today, she was to pick T up at 11am. I had a phone interview at 12pm. Well...got an email this morning. "Can we do it later, I don't feel well" Then it turned into, can you bring her at 11:30 instead. Uhm, no I have an interview. "Well how long will it take" I don't know?? Wtf!! YOU wanted to sit, YOU wanted the hours, wtf are you changing shit on me for now?? I expressed that I am very anxious and stressed and that I couldn't deal with that right now. Then I got the "Well there are so many that are worse off than you" shit. To help me see the positive in my life. Wtf I finally say something like, uhm, can someone think about my side of things?? And THAT's the shit I get.

And now I'm apparently guilt tripping this girl. I can't handle this anymore. I can't. And if it's "Not that big of a problem" or "As bad as others" then fuck you. I'm finished.

Blank

Being out of a job is beginning to take it's toll on me. Not so long ago, I would just look at my resume online and the phone would ring. Now...I'm at the mercy of lazy recruiters and operations directors who might or might not like my ass it seems.

I'm trying to stay positive. This last year has been really difficult for me in that department.

I've been trying to save my marriage though I feel like I'm the only one working on it. Technically, I was the one cheated on so...shouldn't S be working his ass off to treat me like a queen, like he swore that he would. Like he begged me to let him do? It's not exactly happening.

He is a good man. One of the reasons I didn't leave him. He is not malicious, he is not uncaring. But I don't remember the last time that he went out of his way for me. Or that he told me that I was remotely beautiful. I feel ugly. Repulsive. Unworthy. I don't want to leave, I don't want to start with someone new which, I'm sorry, but I know that I could do quickly. I just want to be shown some type of gratitude. Not just "Hey babe, can you please transfer money into my account so that I can get train tickets? You're the best" or "Hey, what are you making for dinner, I'm really hungry."

Again, he doesn't do it to be an ass. He just doesn't know any better. And I've tried to show him, to ask him. I just don't feel like I matter.

Perhaps it's part of the whole depression (Yeah...after almost a year of pretending that I was ok and over S's affair, my brain said, fuck off, you're still hurt). Being canned the way that I was at work did not help matters either.

I just want shit to stop. I want good. Just a bit. Yes, there are many, many others going through so much worse, I know. I know.

I'm just scared that my father will have been right all along. That I'll amount to nothing and end up alone. Alone.

Heartbreak

My cousin lost his first and only child yesterday morning. For three weeks, the dr. thought it "odd" that the baby was turning so much and kept putting off a C section. They broke J's water on thursday evening, told her to come back in the morning as labour should be started.

It was to late yesterday morning. He was gone. So they sent her home, with her child still in her tummy, had her back this morning and had her deliver naturally.

How fucking wrong...how wrong is this...and THIS is what makes me wonder what God is doing. What he's about. If he loves his children so much, how could he let something like this happen. No one has ever been able to answer this. No one will. And my heart aches for this family. For this baby who was fighting to breathe and wasn't given the chance.

Yes, I am holding my child a million times tighter tonight. She is in bed and I miss her already.

Remodel!

So, my inlaws are here for 3 weeks. Yes...THREE wks. Lol. I do have to say that they are helping a lot in many areas which is really rather lovely.

They have finished repainting the kitchen. Started the living room and will be completing the mosaic ceramic backsplash this weekend. They put up the Xmas lights outside and have provided T with much entertainment. I love how they tire her out :)

My Princess is one in need of people. She loves having them around her. In the house. It makes her happy. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense. She was born in a room full of people, she came home and my mother stayed a week. The next week, my inlaws came for 2, then my sister in law for another week then friends and family were around all of the time. So of course, she loves when there is noise in the background and people to play with.

She is such a gentle soul. And usually a happy child. She has her testy moments for sure and I hate that I am not patient enough at times. I feel beyond guilty for not controlling my frustration at times and I become afraid of turning out like my father...I know...but the fear is still very much there. According to the shrink, this means that I will not be like him. The thought of a hair on her head being even remotely pulled makes me sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I never, EVER get the urge to physically or mentally hurt her but it scares me that I raise my voice...

I have 2 meetings tomorrow, one on monday and probably another on tuesday. I don't talk about them because I am afraid to jinx them. Dumb but humour me. So in the remodelling rage, I went out and bought myself an outfit for the first time in...2 years maybe. It's not gorgeous, and certainly not a size 6 which pisses me the hell off but it will do.

Maybe monday morning, I will splurge and get my hair done before heading out. We're broke but what are you gonna do heh.

If only Lyposuction came in bulk at WalMart or something teeehee.

And here ends my pointless post of the evening. Time to get my ass into bed and attempt to sleep without stressing HA! Think of me.

Week 2

Tomorrow I am starting week 2 of unemployment. I am...shall we say...freaking out. I don't know what more I need to do to get people to call me back. It's scary. 5 years ago, when we moved here, I would LOOK at my resume online and the phone would ring. I would pick and choose who I met, IF I met with them, then I would let them fight over me and wait for the right price to come along.

This is not so anymore...Sign of the times I know but really scary for me. I just want to start. So that I can utilize my severance to pay shit off and breathe a bit.

I know that I shouldn't whine and bitch but then again, this is my blog and I promised that I wouldn't censor myself in here. So...there you have it.

My inlaws arrived yesterday for 3 wks (I was supposed to be working and needed someone to look after T while Tita is away) and I have to say, I am relieved that they are here. Ask me how I feel in 10 days hahaha ;)

My Girls

So, I'm laying here trying to get over this gross feeling in my stomach and I started to think about how truly blessed I am. I have a gorgeous daughter, a good hubby who likes to spy at what I'm writing while watching the sports highlights :p a beautiful home and friends that can't compare.

Those friends are unfortunately not physically here with me however, they help me in ways that most people dream of.

Jen. My NYC girl.
When I met Jen, she was a shy, reserved and quiet woman. Years passed and she transformed into the true New Yorker that she is ;) Loud (Heehee) confident, more outspoken with a heart that loves fiercely and loyally. The last time Jen was here was last year when she came to celebrate hers and T's bdays. Even if we don't see eachother every month, it never changes. When we do see each other, it's like it was just yesterday. Music was always our common love...and laughter. Crap do we laugh together. And no matter what time of day or night, if I need her, amidst all that she is going through, fighting through (And you WILL beat this evil disease that is failing at breaking your spirit) she is there. No matter what.

Christie. My Texas girl.
Chris is my spiritual guide, my comic relief and my guru mama. She runs after 3 boys all day long. One of which believes that repelling down a second story at 5am is a great idea, and acts as the mother for her own siblings quite often, and complains pretty much, NEVER. The moment anything happens, there she is. I think that if the day ever came where I needed her here, she would load up the boys in her car and drive herself here. The best part is that we can speak our minds and ask the questions that no one would ever admit to thinking of out loud. And that is priceless.

Laurie. My New England girl.
Laurie and I went through 1st trimester stress together. Second trimester fun and third trimester fear of giving birth together. Our babies were born very close in dates so most of the milestones and not so honourable toddler moments have been lived out at the same time. She supported me through my PPD, my anxieties at trying to be a good mother and has stood up with and for me in times where others wouldn't. I awaited her next miracle anxious with her. Barely containing my excitement when the big day finally came. And Dylan Ross was born. However, not in the way that had been expected. When I heard the news that Dylan was diagnosed with Down's syndrome, I was not heartbroken at the diagnosis. I was heartbroken at Laurie's pain and worry. Then, she let me in on Dylan's life. And every day, though I never got to hold either of them, I fell in love with this remarkable little boy. I remember thinking, after hearing the news, how lucky those two are to have been chosen to be together. And I believe this more every day. Laurie is my inspiration and my hero. I know that she probably gets tired of hearing it but she amazes me in so many ways. Through raising two children, fighting drs and celebrating her loves, she still takes the time to stop and think of me, to talk to me. Little me. That is worth so much...

Cheryl. My Barrie girl.
Ahhh my birth buddy. I remember getting the call in late August from Cheryl's sister telling me that she was in labour. I panicked and thought, no no, this is much too early. Then a calm came over me. This was Cheryl's kid. Which meant she would be strong, very strong. She would make it. And so she did. Silvia is beautiful, spunky, determined, gentle and loving. Like her mother.
I will always remember that image of Cheryl arriving at my patio door in the snow, carrying her little 2 month old and a bunch of different bags, smile on her face and ready to grab me into her arms as she came to meet T for the first time and soothe me through my PPD. That, meant more than I've ever been able to express.
We've celebrated birthdays, holidays together. We've worried for each other, stood up for each other and supported each other through many trials and joys. Right now, it's not easy for her and I wish that I could do something. Anything. Sometimes, I think that everyone just assumes that she can do it all on her own. Even she does this. But the best quality that Cheryl has is that she is human. None of us should ever forget that.

Amy. My Switzerland girl.
Amy lives the farthest and though that is, she is certainly not the farthest from my heart. I cannot wait until December when she comes home to Canada with her gorgeous babies so that we can all see each other again. Amy is quiet, shy but another lady with a fierce loving heart and soul. She thinks of everyone but herself. She takes the time to pick out suprises for T that always make her happy. And yes, I really do want her to marry JoJo. Amy stands in the shadows but is always one step away from grabbing on to me whenever I need it. And I have needed it. Each time, she was there. How lucky am I?

Heather, my FL girl.
I met Heather a year and a half ago and loved her instantly. She helped me survive my first FL cockroach (That was rather interesting) not butting out my smokes in a mailbox and mostly, kept me up to speed and confident in what I was doing. Her eyes are like diamonds but her heart is like nothing else on this planet. A treasure all around. When things get bad, her number comes up and I know that all she wants to do is make it all better. And she succeeds. Her honk is one of a kind and her laughter like sunshine and though I would give anything to fly out and be at her wedding, I know that she understands and loves me no matter how crazy I get. Listens to my OCD moments and my happy ones. My frustrations-I'd hate to cross that woman and I'd LOVE to see her in a dark alley against one dickhead that's crossed me. My sweet girl. Love love love you.

Though the warmth of a hand on mine, a hug that lasts 10 minutes or just a coffee at the corner bistro doesn't happen often, if ever, with these gorgeous, gorgeous girls...something more happens each time we speak. I won't lie. I do wish that we could all visit. Imagine a city with ALL of us in one place. Oooof!! They wouldn't know what hit them would they. I wish that we could have playdates and shopping excursions, spa days and bitch out sessions at the pub. However, that's not how life planned it. And I'm ok with that. I am blessed. And I know that I have failed to express what I wanted but the main thing is this; Thank you. All of you. For letting me be who I am. Uncensored, unmasked. Just me. I love you. Beyond words.

Frustration

Being canned does not help one with depression. Not receiving a call back from your recruiter either. Being stone walled by HR is starting to piss me off more and more and I just want it all overwith. Just give me my money and fuck off.

And the more saturday draws near, the more that I just want my inlaws to arrive. T needs strong support, though I try to be that for her, I know that I am failing. My mother has been sick for 13 days and I still cannot visit with her and I am worried. T is trying to be good but I know that she feels the anxiety that is screaming to flood out of me. S is not sleeping or eating very well. I just really want this overwith...

I feel very, very alone. Who would want to hear self pity moaning anyway. So I jsut bitch in here and hope that this will pass. But the isolation doesn't go away...

It's done

In a Starbuck's, surrounded by people I did not know. I waited for my boss and my blackberry shut off then rebooted. All had been wiped out. It was pretty obvious.

So he arrived with the sales manager whom I never reported to and barely ever worked with. And there they were. My boss barely said a word, didn't look me in the eyes. As they told me that I was being terminated, I erased every single file on the laptop that they had provided when I started a year and a half ago. Oups.

The sales manager asked if I was ok. I started to laugh and said "Sure, I got canned in a Starbuck's and have a family to feed. I'm splendid" Apparently, this is wrongful dismissal. I'm just pissed. And petrified. I can starve and go without electricity/shelter. Not my daughter...

I went straight to an interview with a recruiter and now I must play the hungry unemployed game until something happens. I'll work overnight shifs at McDonald's if I have to. I don't care. Work is work. If it means survival, then so be it.

Someone else (No one you know, no worries) was less considerate and more worried about their own little worries and kept at me and then even got upset at my "Unresponsiveness" I'm sorry, I just got fucking fired. I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I'm sorry that I can't cater to your needs. No, omg are you ok, I'm sorry, I'm here. Just, answer me, do for me, be available to me. Thanks. I feel so damn supported.

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the day that I meet with my boss. And with someone else for something perhaps better. I don't know about that.

As much as I'm stressed about this, I'm to the point where I don't care. I've been cleaning up someone else's crap while doing all of mine and getting flack on top of it. Instead of voicing my usual concerns and stating out injustices, I will sit and nod and say, ok sure, yes sir. And if he actually cares enough to ask why I'm not saying much, I will just tell him the truth. No matter what I say, how I say it or how many times I say it; it doesn't matter. Never did.

Last night, S and I were talking about this and realized that, if I stayed home and worked enough evenings or weekends at some mindless job, all I would need really, is to bring home 350$ a week in my pockets and we would be better off than we are now. That's if we let go of Tita which neither of us are really ready to do. Just one more year and then T will be off to Montessori which costs half of what we are paying now for a live-in nanny. The next 5 wks are already stressful as Tita has left for the Philippines to visit her family and T is so incredibly attached to her. They have an incredible bond. And she does alot for us, even if her family pokes their noses into our business-it's always about money-I don't want to let her go. I've been afraid that she would leave us.

I'm actually counting the days until my inlaws arrive. That's a first for sure. I'm also hoping that this will quiet them all for the holidays. No, I don't want to drive 6 1/2 hours in the snow and ice. Again. As we have been doing forever. Sue me. I want to be in my new home with my family and my real xmas tree. This makes me a horrible person. So be it.

I'd also love to spend a night without coughing out my lungs or sweating 16 buckets, waking me up freezing and shivering. I've been sick for a month. Seriously, I'm kind of sick of sleeping on the couch so that I won't wake up the entire house.

Wow. I don't have Swine flu. I have WHINE flu don't I. Oh well.

I'm worried about alot of things, my mom included. She is so sick and I can't go and take care of her. She wouldn't let me anyway but I want to be there.

A year ago, I was in VA while Obama was elected, running around like a little superstar being pushed and praised for being "The best" at what I did.

Now? I'm awaiting my doom that will come at 12:30pm tomorrow. What will it be next year?

November

Is it November already...where is the snow. I don't even smell it coming this year. I miss it. I know, most people are cringing at those words but the cold, the flakes...they soothe me. Always did. Never knew why.

I've a few things on my heart tonight but I'm too lazy (Again) to type them up. I have a stressful 2 wks ahead of me. Tomorrow morning, Menactra vaccince for T. Perhaps an H1N1 thrown in there if they have it. Wednesday; meeting with my boss. Will I have a job or any self esteem left afterwards? Good question.

My inlaws arrive on the 14th. I just want them here already-Scary isn't it? The truth is, without T's tita here for 5 wks...I'm left to depend on someone that I don't know very well to look after her in the mornings and I am to work and entertain her in the afternoons.

I haven't slept in a week, not even in my bed, due to this intense cough that just won't go away. The fits scare me. I come so close to being sick...

I don't know who's reading, IF anyone's reading, I just feel very isolated. Going through things but everyone else has problems that are "Worse" or "More important" than mine. Selfishly...I wish that mine were important. For once. But I should know better.

I am so freaking nervous...I just want things to be ok.