Wow

So, I still don't have a job. Ever since Tita has come back from being home with her family, she has barely spoken to me. She came here once and that is pretty much it. I have been trying to be nice and ask how she is doing and I don't really get any answers from her.

Well, today, I got the message "Just let me know when you get your job" and that was it. Pretty cold if you ask me. After 2 years of giving half my fucking pay to this woman and pretty much catering to her every need, this is what I get? Fuck you.

In the end, whether I'm hurt or not doesn't matter. T is the one that suffers. And that, is what makes me the most angry.

Breaking my limit

Talia has been going through this phase...anything I say or ask, I get a big fat NO. No matter how many times I put her in the corner, take things away, she just doesn't give a shit.

Today I gave her a bath after she sprayed herself with febreze just for the fuck of it. I told her to come downstairs to get dressed, she said no. So I said you know what, fine, do whatever the hell you want I am so done with you.

So.

She peed on my bed. For the first time in her life. I am so done. I don't even know what to do. I am so sick of fighting all the fucking time. Yeah yeah, that's what having a kid is about right??

Snow

Today we had our first bit of snow and it was delicious. I only wish we'd had 10 feet of it :)

Still no job but am actively looking. Praying for something good to happen this week. But it's also nice to be able to be at home with Jen visiting from NYC. I only wish that I could have something to look forward to work wise; this way I would be able to actually relax somewhat if that makes sense.

I am exhausted and I don't have a real reason to be. That's what I dislike the most. It makes me feel like a big fat lazy ass. ::.Sigh::

Cheat

So I am reading all about Tiger's "Transgressions" today, heard the supposed message he left his chick asking her to remove her name on her voicemail because his wife had checked his phone. Then I was reading comments that people were leaving and many were saying that it was always the woman's fault for having a man cheat on them.

Isn't this beautiful? How society views this type of issue? Isn't it a wonderful message to send young girls? That whatever you do, no matter how skinny, how beautiful, sweet and educated you are, you are never enough because the penis takes precedence over all.

Of course I am biased. I was fucked over. Of course it stirs up all kinds of emotions in me that I'm not over to this day. Of course I'd love to bash someone's head in. But that won't change anything will it.

I'm not sure if I am able to get over S's affair. I'm not sure that I can ever trust anyone again since he was the only person I'd ever trusted. It made me very sad last week when we had our blow out and I told him that I was very sensitive because I am in depression and his response was; "What do you mean depression?" What did I mean? I mean the depression that my Dr. diagnosed 2 months ago and sent me to a shrink for. Then he asked what I was depressed about...which made me angrier. I yelled at him that I was depressed about him fucking someone else. And that I was angry because he couldn't tell me why the hell he'd done it. And still, he couldn't give me an answer.

"Don't look for a reason" people have said. Sorry, that hasn't worked. I don't think that anything ever will. I told him that maybe when I cheat on him he will get it. But, I don't want to have any type of sex with anyone. At all. Any thought or fantasy I might have had about it is dead. Has been for a year. Is this what I am to live with forever?

I promised to stay until T was old enough to care for herself in hopes that things would fix themselves with both of us working on our marriage. Maybe that can still happen....I don't know.

Right now, I just don't know. I love him. I always will. But I hate him at the same time. Which is even more horrible.

Speechless

Today started off quietly, running out for some errands with my inlaws and T. We bought S his xmas present (His parents) did some groceries and came home. 10 minutes after we arrived, my sister in law called and asked where my inlaws' car was. "S has it...what do you mean??" and there she was, parked outside of my house! They came to visit as a surprise! I hadn't seen my nephew since his birth 5 months ago. I think we must have looked like an Extreme Makeover family running out of the house, screaming with joy.

We had a wonderful time with them. T and my nephew took to each other quickly which was so nice. Had a delicious dinner, kids put to bed, just S, my mother and father in law and I up, chilling.

I got this message on my msn from the girl who had been babysitting T while Tita is away.

Drama.

Apparently, she had called today-sorry but...we are currently 8 people in the house, I never got the phone call or message and to be quite honest, my head is so filled with my sweet nephew right now that I haven't thought of much else. Ho.Ly.Crap.

I am a horrible person who thinks only of herself, who is selfish and judges others. I am also hurting T by not letting her take her to spend time with her after she said all of these and more vile things to me. I'm sorry, you want to tell me that I'm a self-centered bitch then take my child to hang out with?? Am I crazy?? Should I just say oh heehee no problem, be disrespectful and cruel 2 days in a row and take my child, NO PROBLEM.

After so much of her crap, I said goodbye and blocked her on msn. I am done. You do NOT use my child against me and expect me to say it's all ok.

And now, apparently, it is wrong that I speak about this on my blog. Whatever. Shut up Andi, stop being so self-centered and just forget any of what you're feeling.

It's now a few hours later and S and I had a huge blow out. It was wonderful. Very cool with all these people in the house as well. He doesn't understand why I "Let" shit like this get to me. I tried to explain that I don't do it for leisure since well...it doesn't entertain me much. It just gets to me. It affects me. Especially when my nerves are this raw. I tried to explain that this is part of depression. "What do you mean depression?" Wtf?? Hello, why do you think I'm seeing a shrink and had my meds upped??!! Seriously?? ::.Shakes head:: I don't really have any words actually. If he can't even comprehend that I was diagnosed with depression....then I have no clue where to go from here.

Tonight, I really wanted to grab my shit and go. I don't know where really. Maybe a hotel even. I didn't think of bringing T. I just want out. I want him to deal with everything on his own. Without me. So many things ran through my mind. They still are. Then, I came to a really sad realization (It's ok, I was already crying)

I pictured myself asking him; When was the last time you bought me flowers for no reason or any reason? When was the last time that you stopped and thought, hmmm...Andi would love this....(Dude...I got him a fuckin Slap Chop because he was so obsessed with it, just for the heck of it) when was the last time you cooked a meal just for me that you knew that I love and then I thought...shit...does he even know what my favourite meal is?? I don't even think he does...and it's a horrible thing to think about.

I don't want to see him or talk to him. I just want to be left alone. Yet, I've been so incredibly lonely that it's made me even more anxious. Maybe I should go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't know. I just want things to stop. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want the anxiety to go away and I want this gaping hole in my heart to stop hurting physically.

The most that I want, is to say that I am sorry. For being self-centered and selfish. Because apparently, that's what I am (S did NOT say this so let's not kill him yet). It's so confusing...shrink says "talk, write your feelings but don't keep it in" then I do and I "Shouldn't" let it get to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...

Reliable

While Tita is away, I found someone to care for T (Mostly the first 2 wks since my inlaws couldn't come sooner but then I was canned from work) and this person, who is very, very good with T, has a few issues. Keeping appointments is one of them. It has happened more than once where she has changed babysitting times on me. She would be scheduled for 11 but then at the last minute would say, oh I have to come later, I don't feel good. Things like that.

She pushed and pushed this week for me to give her some time (I thought that I would be back in work by now and would be able to give my inlaws a break once in a while but the fact of the matter is, I haven't found a job and money is...non existant) however, I agreed and gave her some hours.

Today, she was to pick T up at 11am. I had a phone interview at 12pm. Well...got an email this morning. "Can we do it later, I don't feel well" Then it turned into, can you bring her at 11:30 instead. Uhm, no I have an interview. "Well how long will it take" I don't know?? Wtf!! YOU wanted to sit, YOU wanted the hours, wtf are you changing shit on me for now?? I expressed that I am very anxious and stressed and that I couldn't deal with that right now. Then I got the "Well there are so many that are worse off than you" shit. To help me see the positive in my life. Wtf I finally say something like, uhm, can someone think about my side of things?? And THAT's the shit I get.

And now I'm apparently guilt tripping this girl. I can't handle this anymore. I can't. And if it's "Not that big of a problem" or "As bad as others" then fuck you. I'm finished.

Blank

Being out of a job is beginning to take it's toll on me. Not so long ago, I would just look at my resume online and the phone would ring. Now...I'm at the mercy of lazy recruiters and operations directors who might or might not like my ass it seems.

I'm trying to stay positive. This last year has been really difficult for me in that department.

I've been trying to save my marriage though I feel like I'm the only one working on it. Technically, I was the one cheated on so...shouldn't S be working his ass off to treat me like a queen, like he swore that he would. Like he begged me to let him do? It's not exactly happening.

He is a good man. One of the reasons I didn't leave him. He is not malicious, he is not uncaring. But I don't remember the last time that he went out of his way for me. Or that he told me that I was remotely beautiful. I feel ugly. Repulsive. Unworthy. I don't want to leave, I don't want to start with someone new which, I'm sorry, but I know that I could do quickly. I just want to be shown some type of gratitude. Not just "Hey babe, can you please transfer money into my account so that I can get train tickets? You're the best" or "Hey, what are you making for dinner, I'm really hungry."

Again, he doesn't do it to be an ass. He just doesn't know any better. And I've tried to show him, to ask him. I just don't feel like I matter.

Perhaps it's part of the whole depression (Yeah...after almost a year of pretending that I was ok and over S's affair, my brain said, fuck off, you're still hurt). Being canned the way that I was at work did not help matters either.

I just want shit to stop. I want good. Just a bit. Yes, there are many, many others going through so much worse, I know. I know.

I'm just scared that my father will have been right all along. That I'll amount to nothing and end up alone. Alone.