Being out of a job is beginning to take it's toll on me. Not so long ago, I would just look at my resume online and the phone would ring. Now...I'm at the mercy of lazy recruiters and operations directors who might or might not like my ass it seems.
I'm trying to stay positive. This last year has been really difficult for me in that department.
I've been trying to save my marriage though I feel like I'm the only one working on it. Technically, I was the one cheated on so...shouldn't S be working his ass off to treat me like a queen, like he swore that he would. Like he begged me to let him do? It's not exactly happening.
He is a good man. One of the reasons I didn't leave him. He is not malicious, he is not uncaring. But I don't remember the last time that he went out of his way for me. Or that he told me that I was remotely beautiful. I feel ugly. Repulsive. Unworthy. I don't want to leave, I don't want to start with someone new which, I'm sorry, but I know that I could do quickly. I just want to be shown some type of gratitude. Not just "Hey babe, can you please transfer money into my account so that I can get train tickets? You're the best" or "Hey, what are you making for dinner, I'm really hungry."
Again, he doesn't do it to be an ass. He just doesn't know any better. And I've tried to show him, to ask him. I just don't feel like I matter.
Perhaps it's part of the whole depression (Yeah...after almost a year of pretending that I was ok and over S's affair, my brain said, fuck off, you're still hurt). Being canned the way that I was at work did not help matters either.
I just want shit to stop. I want good. Just a bit. Yes, there are many, many others going through so much worse, I know. I know.
I'm just scared that my father will have been right all along. That I'll amount to nothing and end up alone. Alone.
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Hi my dear sweet friend. I am glad you blogged some of your feelings instead of holding them in longer.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, S does need to make you feel extra special. He needs to treat you like a queen, give you lots of honest communication, passion, encouragement, and love. You deserve the best and should not settle for less than you deserve. Tell him exactly what you need for him to do and then look to see if he is willing to give it to you. (Be blunt about what you need)
Girlfriend, you are so much to so many people. It is impossible for you to be nothing when you help so many people. You brighten my days and you are one truly wonderful friend. You are an amazing woman.
I wish you the best, and hope that this new year will bring tons of happiness and love into your life. You deserve the best. Be blessed, my dear friend. I love you!