Let us be fair

While I watch my child go through the motions of JK - Getting sick every 10 days, learning the different capital and lower case letters, numbers, reading, colours, friendship; I wonder if it was a good thing to send her to French school as my first thought was; "This will be an advantage for her".

The more I "move" in this world, the more I am feeling how much of a DISadvantage being bilingual in this country truly is.

First, you get hired for jobs because you can do both languages. You figure, I will be paid more. I will be valued more...wait...shouldn't everyone in this place be bilingual? At least the Canadian Manager who holds an MBA? Uhm...at least the manager under? No? The one under there? Ok, ok how about the lowly employees who deal with clients? No? Hmm...uhm...the finance department? No?

In the last 4 places where I have been, I have been correcting documents that were translated by a "professional" translator. I have been writing letters and documents in French since my "Higher ups" aren't able to do so. Most didn't know a word to be honest and the ones that did/do can't write the language to save their life.

On top of doing the required work that all the other little minions must do, I am forced to answer to one of them howling "FRENCH CALL!!" because they can't speak a word. "Can you please translate this right now?" because...no one else can. "Can you please write this email for me?" because...the person in charge of this project has no idea what Oui means.

We send out letters, in English too might I add, filled with grammar, spelling and conjugation errors. Yet we want to be "The leading company in the world for our industry". How can a company be taken seriously if their own literature and sales pitch documents are filled with the errors that I spoke of. If the technical support is not offered in French?

We are all supposed to "Be on the same level of knowledge" however...well if more than half the people don't speak French...technically, I have to learn more. Yet...getting the manuals in French so that I may have to correct terms is like pulling teeth. If I want to take a vacation day (Which I will talk about later) I can't take what I want because if another bilingual person is off...well that causes a problem.

But we are all equal.

I work for a "Family First" company. However, my daughter has been sick I would say since...Late October. Every 10 days. Never fails. Her immune system is shot however...we have to just "Let it run it's course".

The head of the company here went to my manager to complain about my...situation. I was asked to find a "Solution". That I could not be missing so much work.

Because of course, I miss work just for the fuck of it.

So. With no mommy or daddy to come save me like most people, no real friends either, when my kid is sick, I have to ship her off to a stranger and come to work because...I have to find a solution. Short from winning the lottery or becoming a Dr. myself...that's pretty much what I have left.

I don't sleep. I would rather not eat. I can't keep up at home with the chores. "But you only have 1 child".

I am tired. I am drained but...I can't complain. "Friends" are all "Oh talk to me, I'm always here. OMG THIS is going on with me and you need to help me lalalala" Thanks for the ear there buddy.

I live in constant stress over when my child will be sick next. Then...the same people who gave me the "warning" about missing work laugh and tell me that I "Worry too much" that kids go through this and it's life.

Nothing I feel or live through is valid. Nothing.

But I have to be quiet and politically correct since I refuse to ever, ever kiss ass or suck dick. It is not in me. It just isn't.

I work in an environment where, if you get screamed at in front of everyone, you are to say nothing because a Manager is the one doing it. Where, regional managers speak to their own managers like they are dogs but...it's how they are and it's accepted. And sales and home furnishings discussions take precedence over an unhappy client requesting help.

I digress...

By asking my daughter to learn both languages, am I setting her up for a huge disadvantage?

Am I??

PA Days

I wish that they could last for a week. T has been so sick the past 2 months, she seems to be finally on a good stretch and I dread sending her back to school tomorrow. The stomach flu and cold are running rampant. It's quite hard to explain to a 4 year old why they must not stick their little fingers anywhere. She tries very hard but she is...well she is 4.

She is sitting here quietly in her little "Tink" top, leggings and legwarmers. I know that tomorrow, she will already be 20 and not needing me as much. The thought makes me feel ill. Though I look forward to seeing her grow into a woman, I love having her little and dependent. Seems like yesterday, she was 10 minutes old.

I fear growing old. I fear death even more. But those thoughts need to be kept at bay.

My mother is moving 5 hours away next week and though I have said nothing because I want to support her and make this easy, I am feeling the sadness in my heart creep in. I will miss having her close. It will be especially hard on T. They share such a special bond. A deep connection...

For now, I am enjoying our girlie day together. Trying not to let melancholy set in. I always have to wonder if it's mental illness or reality of life that give me these feelings...the one feeling I never want to lose, is the one of complete peace when I hold my Princess in my arms. Perfection.

Mommy Catch 22

As a working mother, there are times where I think to myself; "My God can I just have ONE hour of time to myself with no one to think about?" I doubt that I am the only one in this situation. Longing for the ability to go pee without a cute faced toddler saying "Mamaaaaaaaa are you doneeeee" as you see the bathroom door handle being rocked back and forth slowly, little fingers on the other side gripping it in anticipation.

My daughter has been gone for less than 48 hours to visit with her Mamie and Papi (with her father) and I am climbing the walls not knowing what to do with myself.

My mind is even more swept up in thoughts and worries, hoping that they are feeding her well, that she is enjoying herself, that she is sleeping adequately. Because we all know that grandparents have no idea how to take care of children... ::.Smirk::

So while I should be relaxing and taking time to myself, I am antsy and counting the days until I make my departure to meet up with my gorgeous angel...

A mom's work/happiness is never done is it ;)

2010

Sometimes, I forget that I have a blog. Or I post and don't share. Depends on my mood ;)

This year has certainly been interesting. Bad? Good? Neutral? I haven't decided yet.

I do know that I am very blessed. Especially where my daughter is concerned. She's blossomed into such a delicious little lady. She's only 4, and I tend to forget that at times, but she has the soul of an old sage woman, with eyes that pierce the soul and a touch that soothes the spirit. My gorgeous reason. I don't deserve her. But I certainly adore her.

Letting her go, sending her off to junior K was very hard for me. And unfortunately, she has been quite sick which has been said to be "normal" though always unnerving for a Maman.

I think that part of the depression I went through (There, I've said it.) this fall was the fear of letting her go. I never, ever thought that I would be like this. Not with a child, not with anyone. The thought of any harm coming to her, any loneliness...physically makes me sick. At times, I think that I have gone mad. That no other mother can be this ridiculous. But. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by other mothers who know that this madness is quite...normal.

I've made a few connections which have become rather precious to me. M being one of them. He is a true cheerleader and is someone who tends to know just how to sift through the dark corners of my mind. Never judging, usually more than aware of how it "Feels" and always, always caring. I love him dearly and I look forward to helping him on his quest for his new series tackling mental illness as well as his book. It's become rather amusing to watch him on tv and knowing what was going through his mind during the show and touching at times as well, when I've known he was struggling and no one else did because he had let me in and shared his deepest thoughts at that time. Something that I appreciate immensely.

I've learned that you can buy a brand new vehicle, an automatic no less, and blow the tranny within 20 days of purchase. And they all thought I'd kill the ones on the manuals. So there.

I am dreading the next month as my mother starts her own journey far from here. Though I will never tell her this as her guilt is consuming enough, I will have a hard time knowing that she is so far. But in the end, her happiness is all that I want. We can visit.

I've let myself come out from under my mask(s) somewhat yet still feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. I am still working on finding my way and learning not to self loathe as I would despise myself for passing this trait on to T. She is so blissful...I never want her to have the feelings that I have for myself.

This coming year...I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't believe in resolutions. They only add pressure. I want to make a difference. The most that I can.

3 1/2

It is March and there are 5 months left until T starts school. She won't even be 4 by the time she goes in. A month she but still...the thought of it brings extreme nausea to me, thoughts/images of her trying to run to keep up with the others, falling on asphalt, being pushed down stairs, bullied. My fuck. Grammar school was such hell for me. I know that it sounds petty, but at least T is beautiful. Unlike I was-am.

Who will help her eat her lunch, go to the washroom, pick her up when she falls. If we wait another year, it will only prolong the process and she will be late compared to the others. She is already dying to be challenged, another year at daycare...not so good.

I never thought I'd be such a freaking wuss ::.Sigh:: I can't keep her in a bubble forever. Or can I?? Why am I this crazy when it comes to her??

"Famous"

Ah I am back to playing on Twitter and I've gotten bored already. These "Stars" can't be bothered with their fans. They rarely tweet back to them. I can just imagine the response if the account tweeting them said Celine Dion or something. (Shut up, I'm Canadian and she can SING Hah!!)

And now...I'm bored with Twitter.

I have another guilty little pleasure that I will not keep a secret. Justin Bieber. Yep. Little angel voice/face that is reserved for screaming tweens who all believe that they will someday make a connection with him and have songs written about and for them. His voice has yet to change and I am curious as to what will come of him when it happens however, my perfect pitch has yet to flinch when I hear him live. That, never goes away. Unless he becomes deaf but I digress. He is young. Very young. And one of Diddy's babies. That alone scares me. I have seen the ugly of this business. That is apart from the drugs, alcohol, addictions and all the rest of the shit that comes with. The exhaustion, loss of self respect and self love...self awareness. Such talented people have been destroyed by the need of greatness. MJ adored his fans and they worshipped him...but the business killed him. And he was brilliant.

Oh my fuck...watching the new We are the world...They put MJ in and Wyclef is singing Creole. Delish Delish Delish!! Forgive me...I have completely lost my train of thought.

Anyway...this is a great opportunity for the US to realize that we actually exist. It was nice to see them speak of how we were the first to storm the beaches of Normandy, that we were the first in WWI, II and pretty much every war that has plagued our kind since colonization here. That we have electricity and not only communicate by smoke signs and drawings in the snow-Snow that is non existent this year...

This new year has started out with quite a few challenges. T finally got over an ear infection and Scarlet Fever (I thought that illness had died out in the 40's-That's my girl, get whatever disease that no one gets) last week and...her nose is runny yet again. Her adaptation to daycare has gone much better than I had anticipated and we have enrolled her in school even though the thought of leaving her alone to fend for herself out there makes me want to throw up.

Work has started and I must say, I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me.

My cello has been screaming at me from it's current position in it's case and I feel the urge to play more each day. Even the piano has been somewhat dusted. The darkness that was suffocating me seems to be less opaque. I pray that it keeps going this way.

Now, back to the opening ceremonies, my fireplace and some hopefully awing moments.

More later.

Respect

Rush Limbaugh went on the record to insinuate that President Obama had Caused the Haiti earthquake for his own benefit...People like that deny 9/11 was an act of it's own government, apparently, a president can now cause natural disasters. When President Kennedy was elected, a husband and wife in HI lost their election. When he visited HI shortly before his death, this same couple stood for hours to salute the President as it was an honour for them to do so. When he was killed, they wept. What happened to that type of Patriotism and respect? I hope Limbaugh chokes on the next pills he wolfs down. Idiot.

Whether or not you support the leader that was elected, I still believe that you should show him/her respect. CNN anchors call the President, Mr. Obama...excuse me, you still call Nixon, Former President. What a ridiculous and backwards way of thinking (Back to Limbaugh) He was one of the obsessed over President Clinton's "Scandal" and was pleading for him impeachment over some "Stain" on a stupid Gap dress.

Who cares!! He was running the country better than most who have been in his position. Lord knows if Chrétien had been caught for having sex, Canada would have cheered him...and felt bad for the chick he was doing as well...he is not so attractive. Either way, no one would have cared.

What happened to the "Patriotism" that keeps being shoved in everyone's faces all the time? Really. If you don't like your President, fine, but seriously, don't be a dick and make ridiculous statements such as the ones Limbaugh made. Or is respect something that you have to buy now too?

Hard

This morning, I dropped T off to daycare for the second day in a row. (This, after fighting with her for 15 minutes before leaving the house as she was hysterical and refusing to put on her coat/hat/mittens/boots)

In the car, she was doing better but once we turned the corner, she started again. When I left the babysitter's, I could hear her howling through the door "Mama don't leave me". People are telling me to "Get over it" and that it's not that big a deal. For me it is. I've never had to leave her with a stranger. And she's never done anything like this before. T doesn't have tantrums. She has objections and frustrations, fine, but all out screaming? Never.

I am starting to feel more angry about being dumped by my former job however, I am glad that I am no longer working for someone like my former boss. This is just really shitty. Monday, I start a job that I took out of necessity, less money, a more Jr. role, farther than I had wanted. Apparently, this is a wonderful place (this was said by someone outside of the hiring party and recruiter) so who knows, maybe I will end up liking it. It's just...not how I wanted things to happen. I loathe not having any control over situations.

Tita was an alternative that worked best at the time. The past year however, she seemed to be disinterested, motivated by money only and well, after hearing of her lack of attention for T from another caregiver (T goes to a little play place weekly and the owner approached me about it) and her pushing for me to guarantee her that I would be hired by Jan. 4th, I wasn't really left any choice than to find alternative care for T. Plus, I can't afford Tita anymore. Half my freaking paycheck seemed to be going to her.

I keep expecting the phone to ring to hear T's new caregiver ask me to come pick her up or say that she just can't handle her.

This sucks.

2010

I haven't written in some time. The holidays have been crazy.

I have started to feel the way that I did when T was first born and my PPD was kicking in. The weekend is starting and I'm anxious of S going to work on Monday because I will be alone with T and I don't know what to do exactly. It's ridiculous when you think about it because she is 3, I've spent countless days with her. But I don't know...I'm not working, my depression is still very much there and I just feel very nervous most of the time.

T is wonderful but she needs to be busy and entertained. 24/7. Sometimes, I just don't know what more I am supposed to do with her. Tita is not coming back-I'm not entirely devastated-and I've found a place for T for when I do go back to work. Now I just need to actually GET a job.

I was outside tonight wondering; Am I always going to feel like this? Numb, Sad, Tired, Unsure. Is this what my life is meant to be? Will I always be dealing with depression? What MORE am I supposed to be doing? I just want it overwith. I want this chemical shit gone from my brain. I can't change what's made me crazy. I know this. So why can't I just be better?

I don't want another year like 2009. I want to be ok. I want to be good. And on the other hand, I just want to hide in bed for months and never come out.

Wow

So, I still don't have a job. Ever since Tita has come back from being home with her family, she has barely spoken to me. She came here once and that is pretty much it. I have been trying to be nice and ask how she is doing and I don't really get any answers from her.

Well, today, I got the message "Just let me know when you get your job" and that was it. Pretty cold if you ask me. After 2 years of giving half my fucking pay to this woman and pretty much catering to her every need, this is what I get? Fuck you.

In the end, whether I'm hurt or not doesn't matter. T is the one that suffers. And that, is what makes me the most angry.

Breaking my limit

Talia has been going through this phase...anything I say or ask, I get a big fat NO. No matter how many times I put her in the corner, take things away, she just doesn't give a shit.

Today I gave her a bath after she sprayed herself with febreze just for the fuck of it. I told her to come downstairs to get dressed, she said no. So I said you know what, fine, do whatever the hell you want I am so done with you.

So.

She peed on my bed. For the first time in her life. I am so done. I don't even know what to do. I am so sick of fighting all the fucking time. Yeah yeah, that's what having a kid is about right??

Snow

Today we had our first bit of snow and it was delicious. I only wish we'd had 10 feet of it :)

Still no job but am actively looking. Praying for something good to happen this week. But it's also nice to be able to be at home with Jen visiting from NYC. I only wish that I could have something to look forward to work wise; this way I would be able to actually relax somewhat if that makes sense.

I am exhausted and I don't have a real reason to be. That's what I dislike the most. It makes me feel like a big fat lazy ass. ::.Sigh::

Cheat

So I am reading all about Tiger's "Transgressions" today, heard the supposed message he left his chick asking her to remove her name on her voicemail because his wife had checked his phone. Then I was reading comments that people were leaving and many were saying that it was always the woman's fault for having a man cheat on them.

Isn't this beautiful? How society views this type of issue? Isn't it a wonderful message to send young girls? That whatever you do, no matter how skinny, how beautiful, sweet and educated you are, you are never enough because the penis takes precedence over all.

Of course I am biased. I was fucked over. Of course it stirs up all kinds of emotions in me that I'm not over to this day. Of course I'd love to bash someone's head in. But that won't change anything will it.

I'm not sure if I am able to get over S's affair. I'm not sure that I can ever trust anyone again since he was the only person I'd ever trusted. It made me very sad last week when we had our blow out and I told him that I was very sensitive because I am in depression and his response was; "What do you mean depression?" What did I mean? I mean the depression that my Dr. diagnosed 2 months ago and sent me to a shrink for. Then he asked what I was depressed about...which made me angrier. I yelled at him that I was depressed about him fucking someone else. And that I was angry because he couldn't tell me why the hell he'd done it. And still, he couldn't give me an answer.

"Don't look for a reason" people have said. Sorry, that hasn't worked. I don't think that anything ever will. I told him that maybe when I cheat on him he will get it. But, I don't want to have any type of sex with anyone. At all. Any thought or fantasy I might have had about it is dead. Has been for a year. Is this what I am to live with forever?

I promised to stay until T was old enough to care for herself in hopes that things would fix themselves with both of us working on our marriage. Maybe that can still happen....I don't know.

Right now, I just don't know. I love him. I always will. But I hate him at the same time. Which is even more horrible.

Speechless

Today started off quietly, running out for some errands with my inlaws and T. We bought S his xmas present (His parents) did some groceries and came home. 10 minutes after we arrived, my sister in law called and asked where my inlaws' car was. "S has it...what do you mean??" and there she was, parked outside of my house! They came to visit as a surprise! I hadn't seen my nephew since his birth 5 months ago. I think we must have looked like an Extreme Makeover family running out of the house, screaming with joy.

We had a wonderful time with them. T and my nephew took to each other quickly which was so nice. Had a delicious dinner, kids put to bed, just S, my mother and father in law and I up, chilling.

I got this message on my msn from the girl who had been babysitting T while Tita is away.

Drama.

Apparently, she had called today-sorry but...we are currently 8 people in the house, I never got the phone call or message and to be quite honest, my head is so filled with my sweet nephew right now that I haven't thought of much else. Ho.Ly.Crap.

I am a horrible person who thinks only of herself, who is selfish and judges others. I am also hurting T by not letting her take her to spend time with her after she said all of these and more vile things to me. I'm sorry, you want to tell me that I'm a self-centered bitch then take my child to hang out with?? Am I crazy?? Should I just say oh heehee no problem, be disrespectful and cruel 2 days in a row and take my child, NO PROBLEM.

After so much of her crap, I said goodbye and blocked her on msn. I am done. You do NOT use my child against me and expect me to say it's all ok.

And now, apparently, it is wrong that I speak about this on my blog. Whatever. Shut up Andi, stop being so self-centered and just forget any of what you're feeling.

It's now a few hours later and S and I had a huge blow out. It was wonderful. Very cool with all these people in the house as well. He doesn't understand why I "Let" shit like this get to me. I tried to explain that I don't do it for leisure since well...it doesn't entertain me much. It just gets to me. It affects me. Especially when my nerves are this raw. I tried to explain that this is part of depression. "What do you mean depression?" Wtf?? Hello, why do you think I'm seeing a shrink and had my meds upped??!! Seriously?? ::.Shakes head:: I don't really have any words actually. If he can't even comprehend that I was diagnosed with depression....then I have no clue where to go from here.

Tonight, I really wanted to grab my shit and go. I don't know where really. Maybe a hotel even. I didn't think of bringing T. I just want out. I want him to deal with everything on his own. Without me. So many things ran through my mind. They still are. Then, I came to a really sad realization (It's ok, I was already crying)

I pictured myself asking him; When was the last time you bought me flowers for no reason or any reason? When was the last time that you stopped and thought, hmmm...Andi would love this....(Dude...I got him a fuckin Slap Chop because he was so obsessed with it, just for the heck of it) when was the last time you cooked a meal just for me that you knew that I love and then I thought...shit...does he even know what my favourite meal is?? I don't even think he does...and it's a horrible thing to think about.

I don't want to see him or talk to him. I just want to be left alone. Yet, I've been so incredibly lonely that it's made me even more anxious. Maybe I should go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't know. I just want things to stop. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want the anxiety to go away and I want this gaping hole in my heart to stop hurting physically.

The most that I want, is to say that I am sorry. For being self-centered and selfish. Because apparently, that's what I am (S did NOT say this so let's not kill him yet). It's so confusing...shrink says "talk, write your feelings but don't keep it in" then I do and I "Shouldn't" let it get to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...

Reliable

While Tita is away, I found someone to care for T (Mostly the first 2 wks since my inlaws couldn't come sooner but then I was canned from work) and this person, who is very, very good with T, has a few issues. Keeping appointments is one of them. It has happened more than once where she has changed babysitting times on me. She would be scheduled for 11 but then at the last minute would say, oh I have to come later, I don't feel good. Things like that.

She pushed and pushed this week for me to give her some time (I thought that I would be back in work by now and would be able to give my inlaws a break once in a while but the fact of the matter is, I haven't found a job and money is...non existant) however, I agreed and gave her some hours.

Today, she was to pick T up at 11am. I had a phone interview at 12pm. Well...got an email this morning. "Can we do it later, I don't feel well" Then it turned into, can you bring her at 11:30 instead. Uhm, no I have an interview. "Well how long will it take" I don't know?? Wtf!! YOU wanted to sit, YOU wanted the hours, wtf are you changing shit on me for now?? I expressed that I am very anxious and stressed and that I couldn't deal with that right now. Then I got the "Well there are so many that are worse off than you" shit. To help me see the positive in my life. Wtf I finally say something like, uhm, can someone think about my side of things?? And THAT's the shit I get.

And now I'm apparently guilt tripping this girl. I can't handle this anymore. I can't. And if it's "Not that big of a problem" or "As bad as others" then fuck you. I'm finished.

Blank

Being out of a job is beginning to take it's toll on me. Not so long ago, I would just look at my resume online and the phone would ring. Now...I'm at the mercy of lazy recruiters and operations directors who might or might not like my ass it seems.

I'm trying to stay positive. This last year has been really difficult for me in that department.

I've been trying to save my marriage though I feel like I'm the only one working on it. Technically, I was the one cheated on so...shouldn't S be working his ass off to treat me like a queen, like he swore that he would. Like he begged me to let him do? It's not exactly happening.

He is a good man. One of the reasons I didn't leave him. He is not malicious, he is not uncaring. But I don't remember the last time that he went out of his way for me. Or that he told me that I was remotely beautiful. I feel ugly. Repulsive. Unworthy. I don't want to leave, I don't want to start with someone new which, I'm sorry, but I know that I could do quickly. I just want to be shown some type of gratitude. Not just "Hey babe, can you please transfer money into my account so that I can get train tickets? You're the best" or "Hey, what are you making for dinner, I'm really hungry."

Again, he doesn't do it to be an ass. He just doesn't know any better. And I've tried to show him, to ask him. I just don't feel like I matter.

Perhaps it's part of the whole depression (Yeah...after almost a year of pretending that I was ok and over S's affair, my brain said, fuck off, you're still hurt). Being canned the way that I was at work did not help matters either.

I just want shit to stop. I want good. Just a bit. Yes, there are many, many others going through so much worse, I know. I know.

I'm just scared that my father will have been right all along. That I'll amount to nothing and end up alone. Alone.

Heartbreak

My cousin lost his first and only child yesterday morning. For three weeks, the dr. thought it "odd" that the baby was turning so much and kept putting off a C section. They broke J's water on thursday evening, told her to come back in the morning as labour should be started.

It was to late yesterday morning. He was gone. So they sent her home, with her child still in her tummy, had her back this morning and had her deliver naturally.

How fucking wrong...how wrong is this...and THIS is what makes me wonder what God is doing. What he's about. If he loves his children so much, how could he let something like this happen. No one has ever been able to answer this. No one will. And my heart aches for this family. For this baby who was fighting to breathe and wasn't given the chance.

Yes, I am holding my child a million times tighter tonight. She is in bed and I miss her already.

Remodel!

So, my inlaws are here for 3 weeks. Yes...THREE wks. Lol. I do have to say that they are helping a lot in many areas which is really rather lovely.

They have finished repainting the kitchen. Started the living room and will be completing the mosaic ceramic backsplash this weekend. They put up the Xmas lights outside and have provided T with much entertainment. I love how they tire her out :)

My Princess is one in need of people. She loves having them around her. In the house. It makes her happy. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense. She was born in a room full of people, she came home and my mother stayed a week. The next week, my inlaws came for 2, then my sister in law for another week then friends and family were around all of the time. So of course, she loves when there is noise in the background and people to play with.

She is such a gentle soul. And usually a happy child. She has her testy moments for sure and I hate that I am not patient enough at times. I feel beyond guilty for not controlling my frustration at times and I become afraid of turning out like my father...I know...but the fear is still very much there. According to the shrink, this means that I will not be like him. The thought of a hair on her head being even remotely pulled makes me sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I never, EVER get the urge to physically or mentally hurt her but it scares me that I raise my voice...

I have 2 meetings tomorrow, one on monday and probably another on tuesday. I don't talk about them because I am afraid to jinx them. Dumb but humour me. So in the remodelling rage, I went out and bought myself an outfit for the first time in...2 years maybe. It's not gorgeous, and certainly not a size 6 which pisses me the hell off but it will do.

Maybe monday morning, I will splurge and get my hair done before heading out. We're broke but what are you gonna do heh.

If only Lyposuction came in bulk at WalMart or something teeehee.

And here ends my pointless post of the evening. Time to get my ass into bed and attempt to sleep without stressing HA! Think of me.

Week 2

Tomorrow I am starting week 2 of unemployment. I am...shall we say...freaking out. I don't know what more I need to do to get people to call me back. It's scary. 5 years ago, when we moved here, I would LOOK at my resume online and the phone would ring. I would pick and choose who I met, IF I met with them, then I would let them fight over me and wait for the right price to come along.

This is not so anymore...Sign of the times I know but really scary for me. I just want to start. So that I can utilize my severance to pay shit off and breathe a bit.

I know that I shouldn't whine and bitch but then again, this is my blog and I promised that I wouldn't censor myself in here. So...there you have it.

My inlaws arrived yesterday for 3 wks (I was supposed to be working and needed someone to look after T while Tita is away) and I have to say, I am relieved that they are here. Ask me how I feel in 10 days hahaha ;)

My Girls

So, I'm laying here trying to get over this gross feeling in my stomach and I started to think about how truly blessed I am. I have a gorgeous daughter, a good hubby who likes to spy at what I'm writing while watching the sports highlights :p a beautiful home and friends that can't compare.

Those friends are unfortunately not physically here with me however, they help me in ways that most people dream of.

Jen. My NYC girl.
When I met Jen, she was a shy, reserved and quiet woman. Years passed and she transformed into the true New Yorker that she is ;) Loud (Heehee) confident, more outspoken with a heart that loves fiercely and loyally. The last time Jen was here was last year when she came to celebrate hers and T's bdays. Even if we don't see eachother every month, it never changes. When we do see each other, it's like it was just yesterday. Music was always our common love...and laughter. Crap do we laugh together. And no matter what time of day or night, if I need her, amidst all that she is going through, fighting through (And you WILL beat this evil disease that is failing at breaking your spirit) she is there. No matter what.

Christie. My Texas girl.
Chris is my spiritual guide, my comic relief and my guru mama. She runs after 3 boys all day long. One of which believes that repelling down a second story at 5am is a great idea, and acts as the mother for her own siblings quite often, and complains pretty much, NEVER. The moment anything happens, there she is. I think that if the day ever came where I needed her here, she would load up the boys in her car and drive herself here. The best part is that we can speak our minds and ask the questions that no one would ever admit to thinking of out loud. And that is priceless.

Laurie. My New England girl.
Laurie and I went through 1st trimester stress together. Second trimester fun and third trimester fear of giving birth together. Our babies were born very close in dates so most of the milestones and not so honourable toddler moments have been lived out at the same time. She supported me through my PPD, my anxieties at trying to be a good mother and has stood up with and for me in times where others wouldn't. I awaited her next miracle anxious with her. Barely containing my excitement when the big day finally came. And Dylan Ross was born. However, not in the way that had been expected. When I heard the news that Dylan was diagnosed with Down's syndrome, I was not heartbroken at the diagnosis. I was heartbroken at Laurie's pain and worry. Then, she let me in on Dylan's life. And every day, though I never got to hold either of them, I fell in love with this remarkable little boy. I remember thinking, after hearing the news, how lucky those two are to have been chosen to be together. And I believe this more every day. Laurie is my inspiration and my hero. I know that she probably gets tired of hearing it but she amazes me in so many ways. Through raising two children, fighting drs and celebrating her loves, she still takes the time to stop and think of me, to talk to me. Little me. That is worth so much...

Cheryl. My Barrie girl.
Ahhh my birth buddy. I remember getting the call in late August from Cheryl's sister telling me that she was in labour. I panicked and thought, no no, this is much too early. Then a calm came over me. This was Cheryl's kid. Which meant she would be strong, very strong. She would make it. And so she did. Silvia is beautiful, spunky, determined, gentle and loving. Like her mother.
I will always remember that image of Cheryl arriving at my patio door in the snow, carrying her little 2 month old and a bunch of different bags, smile on her face and ready to grab me into her arms as she came to meet T for the first time and soothe me through my PPD. That, meant more than I've ever been able to express.
We've celebrated birthdays, holidays together. We've worried for each other, stood up for each other and supported each other through many trials and joys. Right now, it's not easy for her and I wish that I could do something. Anything. Sometimes, I think that everyone just assumes that she can do it all on her own. Even she does this. But the best quality that Cheryl has is that she is human. None of us should ever forget that.

Amy. My Switzerland girl.
Amy lives the farthest and though that is, she is certainly not the farthest from my heart. I cannot wait until December when she comes home to Canada with her gorgeous babies so that we can all see each other again. Amy is quiet, shy but another lady with a fierce loving heart and soul. She thinks of everyone but herself. She takes the time to pick out suprises for T that always make her happy. And yes, I really do want her to marry JoJo. Amy stands in the shadows but is always one step away from grabbing on to me whenever I need it. And I have needed it. Each time, she was there. How lucky am I?

Heather, my FL girl.
I met Heather a year and a half ago and loved her instantly. She helped me survive my first FL cockroach (That was rather interesting) not butting out my smokes in a mailbox and mostly, kept me up to speed and confident in what I was doing. Her eyes are like diamonds but her heart is like nothing else on this planet. A treasure all around. When things get bad, her number comes up and I know that all she wants to do is make it all better. And she succeeds. Her honk is one of a kind and her laughter like sunshine and though I would give anything to fly out and be at her wedding, I know that she understands and loves me no matter how crazy I get. Listens to my OCD moments and my happy ones. My frustrations-I'd hate to cross that woman and I'd LOVE to see her in a dark alley against one dickhead that's crossed me. My sweet girl. Love love love you.

Though the warmth of a hand on mine, a hug that lasts 10 minutes or just a coffee at the corner bistro doesn't happen often, if ever, with these gorgeous, gorgeous girls...something more happens each time we speak. I won't lie. I do wish that we could all visit. Imagine a city with ALL of us in one place. Oooof!! They wouldn't know what hit them would they. I wish that we could have playdates and shopping excursions, spa days and bitch out sessions at the pub. However, that's not how life planned it. And I'm ok with that. I am blessed. And I know that I have failed to express what I wanted but the main thing is this; Thank you. All of you. For letting me be who I am. Uncensored, unmasked. Just me. I love you. Beyond words.