2010

Sometimes, I forget that I have a blog. Or I post and don't share. Depends on my mood ;)

This year has certainly been interesting. Bad? Good? Neutral? I haven't decided yet.

I do know that I am very blessed. Especially where my daughter is concerned. She's blossomed into such a delicious little lady. She's only 4, and I tend to forget that at times, but she has the soul of an old sage woman, with eyes that pierce the soul and a touch that soothes the spirit. My gorgeous reason. I don't deserve her. But I certainly adore her.

Letting her go, sending her off to junior K was very hard for me. And unfortunately, she has been quite sick which has been said to be "normal" though always unnerving for a Maman.

I think that part of the depression I went through (There, I've said it.) this fall was the fear of letting her go. I never, ever thought that I would be like this. Not with a child, not with anyone. The thought of any harm coming to her, any loneliness...physically makes me sick. At times, I think that I have gone mad. That no other mother can be this ridiculous. But. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by other mothers who know that this madness is quite...normal.

I've made a few connections which have become rather precious to me. M being one of them. He is a true cheerleader and is someone who tends to know just how to sift through the dark corners of my mind. Never judging, usually more than aware of how it "Feels" and always, always caring. I love him dearly and I look forward to helping him on his quest for his new series tackling mental illness as well as his book. It's become rather amusing to watch him on tv and knowing what was going through his mind during the show and touching at times as well, when I've known he was struggling and no one else did because he had let me in and shared his deepest thoughts at that time. Something that I appreciate immensely.

I've learned that you can buy a brand new vehicle, an automatic no less, and blow the tranny within 20 days of purchase. And they all thought I'd kill the ones on the manuals. So there.

I am dreading the next month as my mother starts her own journey far from here. Though I will never tell her this as her guilt is consuming enough, I will have a hard time knowing that she is so far. But in the end, her happiness is all that I want. We can visit.

I've let myself come out from under my mask(s) somewhat yet still feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. I am still working on finding my way and learning not to self loathe as I would despise myself for passing this trait on to T. She is so blissful...I never want her to have the feelings that I have for myself.

This coming year...I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't believe in resolutions. They only add pressure. I want to make a difference. The most that I can.